Buzz Lightbeer

I decided to start repeating everything my son said just to annoy him and now he's not talking to me because 'apparently' I ruined his school play.

I have reached that stage in life where fixing one medical problem leaves you with at least one new one to face.

I'm so poor my bank account ran off with another man.

We can only edit our own tweets, what good is that?

Why has no one questioned the validity of violets being blue?

The closest feeling I've found to an orgasm is getting a stubborn, sharp popcorn kernel out from between my teeth.

Being in your works WhatsApp group is 95% wishing people you barely know a Happy Birthday.

If you’re ever hungry І can’t recommend anything more strongly than “eating food”

Cobwebs are just goth tinsel.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you are fluent in 5 languages but it doesn't name them? ME: Yes, I'm fluent in English, American, Canadian, Australian and New Zealand.

I haven't lost it, it's in an offshore account in the Caymans.

Can you guess which one is my original chin? ~me flirting

Our family crest is a cockroach.

Electric prices so high at the moment we're going to have to start referring to stupid people as 'the lights are off but someone's home'.

A happy & healthy relationship also known as getting fat together