Jessica Fox

The universe is born. 13.8 billion years pass. 200 billion trillion stars are born. A band of murderous monkeys on a rock circling one of these stars says, “We must be the reason for all this.” Shortly after, the monkeys blow themselves up.

@SSportscast hey, if your wife is into you publicly ogling other women, you guys enjoy that

@HelloJessicaFox It’s on a relationship to relationship basis. It is disrespectful to You lYour norms aren’t everyone’sAnd it is a perfectly irrelevant for you to comment on. I am sorry but your sig ot is making you insecure but not everyone feels that way and some are comfy with their sexuality

@SSportscast it’s just disrespectful, man

@HelloJessicaFox Probably get a hundred kinds of over yourself and your feelings about things that don’t affect you 🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️🤷🏻‍♂️

@RealMimino very sweet, thank you 🥹

@HelloJessicaFox My wife!

@bdjansenphd Agree but I have had more flights cancelled in Chicago due to weather than I can count

@dorsalstream I made a typo because my brain was woooowoooweeeewooooing too hard

@dorsalstream It’d actually very easy. It’s when the brain goes woooowoooweeeeewoooo

@JasonKPargin I didn’t realize until now that my bellybutton feels like a Forbidden Zone, but I plumbed the depths and it did not feel good

This may seem like an odd question but what do you personally feel when you poke yourself deep in your belly button? (Apparently people have RADICALLY different answers, ranging from extreme pain to sexual arousal)

@UnwinderH Maybe I’ll just switch to looking at bugs instead of reading

@UnwinderH Yeah, I really liked A Short History of Nearly Everything but I’m getting down about how every time I read a book lately, there’s something weird about women in it. Even topics that you’d think they couldn’t manage it, like physics or philosophy or neuroscience, it’s incredible

I bought a new book and started a bubble bath and was so excited, and 5 pages in, I shut the book and went, “Ah, well, never mind.”

@urwalder I had read A Short History of Nearly Everything and he managed not to mention utterly delectable teenagers in it so I thought this would be smooth sailing

@AnthonyLaFauci @reachfh The guy just said, hey, maybe this would explain her reaction, and said nothing negative about you, and you can’t handle hearing another perspective? Geez.

@reachfh It wasn't random, it was a very reasonable response to a request being made by a close friend. You can just never talk to me again, please and thank you.

It's the 5 year Anniversary of that time I made a chicken costume for a friend and it led to my girlfriend and I breaking up. 5/5 would recommend.

British people make snacks sound so delicious. Do I want a packet of crisps? A PACKET of CRISPS? Incredible. Mouth-watering. Yes, please, a packet of crisps sounds life-changing. Oh, it’s just a bag of chips.

@urwalder 🤣🤣🤣

The phrase, “That’s a common misconception” is supposed to make you feel better but what I hear is, “Not only are you wrong but you are wrong in the most plebeian and unpoetic way possible. You are, to me, confirmation of materialism and the lack of a human soul.”

@JonBurk5 It’s happening again

@HelloJessicaFox Your understanding of the phrase is a common misconception.

@alexlumaga Yeah, I want to be so wrong it makes people SICK

@HelloJessicaFox Exactly. Common??? I only engage in the most obscure and esoteric of misconceptions

My favorite ancient artifact is 2000 year old graffiti from Roman tourists complaining that Egyptian tombs are boring and they should have vacationed somewhere else

no one: dads in restaurants on holiday: