Phyllis

Everyday I’m actively trying to not shit my pants and I just know that in time I’m going to fail

I miss my college roommate like a drafted man misses his wife

Who roofied my 9 long islands last night

Holiday weekend and I’m ready to get my pussy eaten clean off the bone

This is the biggest log I’ve ever pushed out before

I DONT WANNA FUCK I JUST WANNA BLOW ON IT

I’m like a moth to a flame

These long islands are talking dirty to me

Was what we had real or cake

Walked 6 fing miles on the job today

My fart smells like my college town

Gonna be a long summer of beating my box to the thought of you

I do kegels while it’s inside btw

Doesn’t this make you just wanna drop your panties

Moving out of my college house this week that means #wipingmyasswithtissues

If you sucked on girl’s tits then you better wish her happy mother’s day today

What’s the study around the forehead kiss of doom and despair

5 day bender has finally ended and I need my shit blown off right now