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Treat yourself to my Cali lemon cello playlist... youtube.com/playlist?list=…

Don't worry Donald Trump! My boys in white coats are on standby. You'll be in safe hands. (Albeit in a straightjacket). Where the van?

Covid-19 'Tier Four' restrictions in London now. I guess a Xmas visit to my favourite lap dancing club is out of the question 😢

Bournemouth beachyesterday. Difficult, only two options in my mind A: Send in the water cannons. Result: In this heat, everyone would fucking love it. B: Send Boris Johnson to the beach wearing a dayglo mankini. Result: The beaches would empty faster than Amity Island in Jaws.

Happy solstice everybody!

I reckon Kim Jong On is laughing his lycra pants off right now.

I keep getting asked plans when this Covid crap calms down. I've decided I want to learn how to pole vault. Dreaming about it at night, weird. Crystal Palace, here I come! It's not everyday you see a middle aged fat piss head flying through the air (unless you live in Croydon).

At the moment, I can smell the local air in all its purity, no car pollution. Heck, I saw a golden breasted chaffich for along time earlier. I guess what worries me is how short lived this will turn out to be. I'm no climate activist but I'm starting to like this clean air. Paul

I've just sent Donald Trump the scientific cure for Covid 19. Basically, you stick a piece of dynamite up your arse and set fire to it. Guaranteed to get ride of the virus. Wonder if he'll try it?

@piersmorgan m.facebook.com/story.php?stor…

I need a stone mason to assist in this endeavour

'm a retired old hippie artist and I'm planning on talking to the royal parks commission next week about donating a piece of parkland for an NHS memorial. I envision a large shield made of granite embedded in slate with every name of any UK NHS worker who's died, engraved.

No one is talking about the root cause or the economic end result of all this.

@GMB Take a look at the Heathrow airport live arrivals board online. Am I missing something here?

Good Morning Britain will be on from 6am-10am from today. Lorraine will join Piers live from 9am. Watch live on the ITV Hub - itv.com/hub/itv

@piersmorgan Perhaps you guys will win an award this year. BGT and XFactor will have to be done without an audience, me thinks. Eat more Brazil Nuts (Selenium)

@susannareid100 Dear Susanna, (off topic). Tell Piers to stand down on his media assault aimed at Harry and Meghan ... This guy lost his Mum and served his country, I didn't see Piers do that. Perhaps they just want to get stoned in a country where it's legal. Paul

God forbid a female broadcaster should have a voice and confidence....

@susannareid100 @piersmorgan What did one gender neutral penguin say to the other? Sno Balls?

Can’t think of a better Christmas present *stares at list*

@piersmorgan What did one gender neutral penguin say to other? Sno Balls ?

You guys... 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

I felt like this when I woke up, But it was a good night 😎

@Nigel_Farage Grow some balls Nige x

Boris Johnson’s new “deal” is not Brexit and it does not get Brexit done. The Tories are asking us to do the last 3 years all over again.