Benjamin Apple

Dear Diary 😢😢😢

Mayor Bass just texted me that it’s okay to eat all the ice cream in my fridge so it doesn’t go bad while my power is out. “At a time like this the last thing we need to do is waste food,” she said. Not sure if this went out to everyone or what

@PhoebeRohrbach Hahaha tysm! I think I have it downloaded somewhere if you want to DM me for a Google Drive link. In the mean time, here is the original sketch I adapted for the show: youtube.com/watch?v=1t3qUW…

@benjaminapple Why is your greatest sketch from jimmy Fallon "man's head on the body of a pig" no where to be found on the internet? I need to see it again.

@moniza_hossain @MillsburyMedia SAME, I was waiting for the impromptu vocabulary lesson lol

@MillsburyMedia I think the lady who popped when he said “complements me” thought he said “compliments me”

Dude was a very good sport. The dating pool is shallow lol. 😆

@saramsak @Lilie28734710 @BenjaminAppl @jbaillieu Yeah, I’m the wrong Benjamin. I also get this guy’s emails all the time lol

It was an amazing recital!😊💐✨💐✨ Looking forward to listening and watching it on TV, again!🎶 Thank you for coming to Japan, @BenjaminApple and @jbaillieu NHK-BS 13th March, 5:00a.m.～5:55 a.m.(Japan time) nhk.jp/p/c-club/ts/6N…

@skyler_higley @TheOnion @JimSpanfeller 100% dynamite. Best of luck in whatever you do next!

Yo, it’s my last day as a staff writer at @TheOnion. I am grateful for the opportunity that I got to learn so much and work with such talented, smart people. I am not grateful for the dork-ass herb CEO of G/O media @JimSpanfeller. Here’s a thread of headlines I wrote that I love:

@wendythewater @Omar_Moreno1202 @jacobkabai @ohJuliatweets Open Market Operations is just the mechanism by which all the freshly printed money gets injected into the system. Mentioning OMO doesn't negate what the other person said about the Fed printing money; it's literally an integral part of what they're talking about.

@olawunmiesan ... And it comes out that the guy had been abusing kids for decades. It was a strange combination of heartbreak, anger, and relief when I found out. I'm so thankful my parents listened to me. Thank you for listening to your daughter. Be well

@olawunmiesan When I was 6 or 8 I told my parents I was uncomfortable with how a (highly respected) friend of the family had put his arm around me for the briefest moment during a car ride. My parents heard me and asked him not to hug me anymore. Fast forward 20 years ...

Something happened in my home recently. We hired someone for a domestic position, and everything appeared to be going well. A few weeks into the role, my daughter came to me and said, ‘Mummy, I don’t want this person in our home. I don’t like this person’

@Cashraindance @Forever_noir_ What "reason" was there? Do you really think cops BOMBED these people because they had a megaphone and neighbors were annoyed? Does that sound logical? Or did they do it because they were an anti-capitalist display of Black solidarity — two things this society does not tolerate?

“Why don’t you just start a commune and live there” The move bombings were literally a bunch of black socialists who started an urban commune in their community and the police blew them up.

@palmer_eldritch @bybowes Ever dyed your hair? The real color starts to grow back in about a week. If you're gonna be running forever, why commit yourself to that kind of chore when you don't have to?

@bybowes If you’re on the lam for 8 years, why doesn’t Sally dye her hair instead of wearing Chekov’s Wig

@notcapnamerica I love how he put himself in the woman’s shoes and said, “So now she’s supposed to spend the whole flight sitting right next to this man who just called her a bitch? Yeah no that’s not gonna happen.” He didn’t just avoid the conflict and let the woman deal with those feelings.

A raise for this flight attendant please 👏🏽

@garrettpalm @slowspud You're both right about everything. Lakers are a good team, they also suck ass, @slowspud is blinded by hate, and Garrett's been in LA too long.

@slowspud @benjaminapple ?

It’s come to my attention some of my DMs have leaked. I just would like to apologize. This is not who I am and it is taken out of context. Let me state for the record in no uncertain terms that I am not a Lakers fan.

@Phil_Lewis_ You love to see it! For anyone reading this, if you are ever in a similar emergency, pick a specific individual — any individual — and tell THEM to call 911. This helps avoid the bystander effect, where no one does the thing because they all expect someone else to do it.

7th grader Dillon Reeves brought a school bus to a stop after the driver became light-headed and lost consciousness. No one was hurt. “This was an extraordinary act of courage” wxyz.com/news/7th-grade…

@Popeyes @MorePerfectUS He was paid in full without providing banking info? But how? Isn’t that iMpOsSiBle?

@MorePerfectUS This former employee failed to provide banking info and couldn’t be paid by direct deposit. When told that he couldn’t be paid in cash, he vandalized the restaurant. This behavior is unacceptable. The franchisee has paid him in full, terminated employment and contacted police.

The true cost of wage theft by employers is over $50 billion every year, and it takes a huge toll on workers. This Popeyes worker reached his absolute breaking point after not being paid for a month. It should never come to this.

@AShawThing_ @Bornakang And he's holding the whole thing upside down 😂 Bananas and plantains grow pointing upwards.

@zacioprolit @Megamedium455 @WyattDuncan @Srirachachau Even Muldoon was still there willingly despite his concern. His death comes because he trusts in his own abilities as a hunter to save him. But because he did recognize the foolishness of the whole enterprise, the script grants him clarity at the moment of death (“clever girl”)

@zacioprolit @Megamedium455 @WyattDuncan @Srirachachau Everyone in the original JP who knew what JP was and was still involved in it voluntarily, was by definition an antagonist — because the dramatic question of the story was, “Can man control nature?” Everyone who thought “Yes” died, other than Hammond (who does die in the book)

If I recall, the actress specifically requested a crazy memorable death, which is a pretty cool way to go out

@jfull1914 Love this whole thread, thank you for sharing. Have you read The Will To Change by Bell Hooks btw? Great deep dive into how the patriarchy fucks us up. Be well bro

I’m a sensitive ass nigga. My feelings get hurt easily. But therapy taught me how to communicate. Masculinity/patriarchy has fooled us into thinking that men can’t have feelings and we are less of a man if our feelings get hurt.

I had ED caused by my antidepressants. I didn’t know because I had been single for years and hadn’t had sex since starting the meds. Obviously I was embarrassed but I was honest and told her I would see my doctor ASAP. She was very understanding. 🧵

@KodaActual @ericzhu By assuming that the first time IT remembers hearing a phrase must have been THE first time it ever happened, Bard is actually doing a pretty good job of simulating Gen-Z

I’m about to end google’s AI on day 1