Daniel John Smith

Me: Well, I guess it's time to break the seal A Seal: please, I don't know anything Me: tell us where the second bomb is, you watery fuck

The number of bots that follow me has gone from 0 per day to 1 per day - thanks Muskrat

I love towels, but I don't think towels love what we do with them. This is one of many reasons we should not put AI in towels

@metlinkwgtn it's funny how in most places a bus timetable is a promise of where and when a bus will be, but for you guys it's more of a vague idea of when a bus could exist but usually doesn't

@mxwellnz A good thing - people love funny lectures

i guess it's just one of those days *puts Fergalicious on repeat*

[cumming on someone’s face] Say ‘when’

@FreyaDalySad First guitar is for first wedding. You only get *this*

Thinking about when I played the ukulele at my dad's second wedding

My friend thinks of Men In Blacks as 'Tommy Lee Jones films' "oh yeah! Will Smith is in those as well.. crazy" Love this

@fateofisen @TheReaganMorris [photoshopped picture of five mario hats in a stack] (I'm lazy)

@TheReaganMorris I'm personally more excited about Super Mario Bros: The Movie: The Game: The Musical: The Series

God I can't wait for Super Mario Bros: The Movie: The Game.

my true and authentic self knows how to do a backflip. but my body does not. how disgusting and sad is that?

too many generic kid names like "chris" and "jake" out there. if i had a son i'd name him something bad ass. like "the shovel"

me: umm actually that’s Frankenstein’s Monster friend: oh my bad *puts down energy drink* Frankenstein: don’t sweat it bro

@FreyaDalySad Love rice, but kill it, not versatile enough. Marry potato because it's got the variety to last through the years. Fuck pasta, cause that's macaroni-in-a-pot

Fuck marry kill potato rice pasta

I love all of elon musk's products - exploding car - moron tunnel - paperweight spaceship - forsaken by god robot

Epic line up tonight at Dope As Sunday Comedy, just fyi kiwiticket.co.nz/events/dope-as…

Why are they called kegels and not pussups