John McBride for Congress

LOCAL MAN DISCOVERS HE IS SECRETLY A REAL ESTATE MOGUL AFTER COUNTY INVENTS $186,000 FOR HIM MIDLAND, TX — In a stunning financial revelation this week, a local homeowner learned he has apparently made a massive profit without selling anything, receiving any money, or otherwise participating in reality. “I had no idea I was doing this well,” the man said, reviewing a notice informing him his modest home—purchased for $60,000 in 2009—is now worth $246,000, according to a highly sophisticated system known as “a guy with a clipboard and vibes.” Despite never listing the property, fielding offers, or seeing so much as a nickel of this newfound wealth, the homeowner confirmed he is now expected to pay taxes as if he recently closed a blockbuster deal. “I checked my bank account just to be sure,” he said. “Nothing. No mysterious deposit. No wire transfer. Not even a congratulations email. But apparently I’m crushing it.” County officials reassured residents that the system is working exactly as intended. “You’re not being taxed on money you have,” one official explained patiently. “You’re being taxed on money you could hypothetically have in an alternate universe where you sold your house but didn’t need a place to live afterward.” Experts clarified that this differs significantly from other forms of taxation, where individuals are typically taxed on actual income or realized gains. “For example, if your stock portfolio doubles, you don’t owe taxes until you sell,” said one analyst. “But your home is different because… well… it just is. Please stop asking questions.” Local residents have reportedly begun experimenting with applying the same logic elsewhere. “If my neighbor can assign value to my house and bill me for it,” the homeowner said, “I’m assigning value to my free time. I’ve determined the county now owes me $500,000 annually for emotional distress and inconvenience.” At press time, officials were exploring ways to increase property values even further, noting that if numbers can be written down once, they can absolutely be written down again—higher. Meanwhile, the homeowner confirmed he is considering selling the property just to finally meet the rich guy everyone keeps telling him he is.

California's $2.2 billion solar plant is shutting down. Once hailed as a breakthrough, the Ivanpah Solar Facility in the Mojave Desert is now a case study in failed technology and environmental risk. Built with $1.6 billion in federal loans in 2014, the plant was hailed as a symbol of America's clean energy future. It used 173,000 mirrors to focus sunlight onto three massive towers heating fluid to drive steam turbines. Complicated. Expensive. And it never delivered on its promise. After just 11 years, the technology is now obsolete. On top of that, the facility became notorious for its environmental toll, with estimates of at least 6,000 birds incinerated each year by the concentrated beams. The promise was affordable, reliable, green power. The reality was high costs, technical failures and ecological damage.