mikeshumor

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my new calendar. I’m dismayed. 📅

There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a beaver. One Liner I just learned that the inventor of Velcro died. RIP.

Do you know where to find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I have many degrees!"

Why is the letter "A" like a flower? Because the bee (B) comes after it!

People think grass don't be wet in the morning. But it dew.

THE TEN MOST COMMON FORMS OF OFFICE ILLNESS 1. The Macy’s-One-Day-Sale Flu. 2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus. 3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains. 4. The I’m-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don’t-Know-How-Long-It’s-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection. 5. The My-Boyfriend’s-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I’m-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease. 6. The I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn’t-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza. 7. The There’s-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness. 8. The It’s-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I’m-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment. 9. The I’ve-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won’t-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness. 10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I’ve-Got-The-Doctor’s-Bills-And-The-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity One Liner 
Always give 100%. Unless you’re giving blood.

The reason that aliens have never visited is because our solar system has received terrible reviews. We only have one star. ⭐️

FOR DADS… I figured out why they call our language the “Mother Tongue.” Fathers never get a chance to use much of it. Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I’ve always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who’s 6’4″ to my 6′ in height), why junk food is bad for you. One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day.  They put a cot in the kitchen. If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day.  I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything? I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar.  From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold. One Liner 
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

I remember when "written in the stars" came out, by Leanne Rhymes with Elton John. My first comment was "no it doesn't". 🎶

What’s a fish’s favorite type of music? Something with a lot of "scales" to climb, Because they love a good, catchy "tuna"! 🐟

What did the waffle say at the end of breakfast? 🧇 Should I stay or should Eggo?

How do Mexicans cut their pizza? Leetle Caesars 🍕

A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer. Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained. “Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!” One Liner 
I don’t understand why people have to “get ready for bed.” I’m always ready for bed.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..." 🐄 "It’s pasture bedtime!”

Which country has the most bad singers? 🎵 Singapore.

Why did the computer get cold? 🥶 It left its Windows open!

A little boy just couldn't learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn't know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer. Finally, in desperation, she called the boy's father to her office. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence," she complained. "Come here, son, and sit down," the dad said to the boy. "Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!" One Liner If you can't find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge.