olive

me: what’s wrong with me therapist: [looking thru notes] you’re the worst

disgusting if literal: a stream of piss

Sprayed my text with perfume in hopes of seducing you.

Maybe one day, if I’m a very good girl, someone will actually be afraid of losing me for once.

I love the New Year's Eve countdown. All the best parties end with math.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven't seen it since.

How come Greg Olsen looks like Bill Hader doing a football player skit?

The bad news: my friend’s son got busted for smoking weed in the bathroom of a Spirit Airlines airplane The good news: he’s banned from Spirit Airlines for life

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl - the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

There’s a huge difference between “I’m happy I read that book” and “I’m happy I finished that book.”

At my age, even jumping to conclusions gives me knee pain.

not my best year but i have learned a lot

Things keep happening, so far, without end.

Happy everything to those who omnibrate

Welcome to your forties! You're gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

@Farrsigh @SaltyMacTavish 🫡

@offbeatoliv @SaltyMacTavish RJ

Can someone please tell me if my neighbor’s name is R.J. or J.R. I have no idea.

@ReWrite02436493 Lolol yep

@offbeatoliv Yep. I thought that was you. 😍

If you don’t recognize me I’m the one with the sensible shoes.

I rarely wear my wedding ring because I don't care for rings. Downside: I have nothing to hurl in anger.