Eric Braun

Remember when every single movie didn’t have Pedro Pascal in it?

Four Lokos are white trash espresso martinis.

People with the cricket noise as their ringtone: grow up.

*Driving into work* Gate guard: “How’s your morning?” Me: “Fine. Yours?” Guard: “I’m having a GREAT day! Take care.” *As I drive away* “It’s 7 in the morning. Fucking relax.” Is there something wrong with me?

What do you call someone who tweets? A twat, duh.

Movie idea: Jason Alexander, Wallace Shawn, and Danny DeVito are brothers.

The VMAs this year should be called “Lady Gaga gets a bunch of new little statues while wearing increasingly outrageous outfits.”

2020’s most annoyingly overused phrase is “hits different.” Like, no, Jeremy, paper bags instead of plastic don’t hit different.

@HarryAbelson I make myself laugh, and that’s what counts.

@reb_eric Five months and this was the best you could do?

Microwaves that continue to beep after you open the door are the attention whores of the appliance world.

@HarryAbelson This didn’t age well.

I know things have already been finalized, but you still can’t convince me baseball is happening this year. The second those guys report to spring training the inevitable is going to happen and all of a sudden the plan will fall apart.

#tinycountries #beaware

@HarryAbelson Guilty 🙋‍♂️

Anyone who mocks Coronavirus or people who are taking it seriously can get the hell away from me. Those are EXACTLY the type of people who are getting the damn thing 😤

“I’m motha’ f**kin’ pumped about these camp socks. Gonna be so warm.” @HarryAbelson

@carmencitaaa7 I read this tweet the other day and thought you were a douche bag. I just watched the scene and now I am sorry. That’s all.

@carmencitaaa7 All three of us do put it in the same! I want that for everyone. @HarryAbelson

Find you somebody who puts the silverware in the dishwasher the same was as you

😮

Unpopular opinion: can we take Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want for Christmas is you’ out of the rotation for like 2 years? If I have to listen to that song one more time, I’m going to blow my brains out.

I am eagerly awaiting @Tesla to announce that they’ve pulled the greatest practical joke with the unveiling of their new truck.