Fake Matt Baker

Lindsay, give me a chode to slurp on.

Could I have a go at your chebs?

Give me that black card you little piece of shit.

You're gonna make me laugh so hard I'm gonna start lactating.

How much do you think that fire extinguisher weighs? Do you think I could beat myself to death with it?

"Fuck everything you say."

My seed is so powerful it gets anything pregnant.

I'm too rugged for beauty treatments.

"The Ass Tampons" would be a great name for a band. The first single would be "Shit falls freely from my asshole."

I shall have the funs! Not the runs though. The runs are not the funs.

Or, I could maybe call it "Rasputin Cabbage Fart."

I'm starting a polka punk band called "13 Drachma Jockstrap."

*singing* "I feel sooo much better...cuz I just blew a shit loogie out my ass."

Aren't you glad I lived next to a very competent pediatric hospital?

Stop coughing like that you're giving me a hard-on.

Home is where the semen flies.

I wonder if they use chopsticks to masturbate in Japan.

The sight of you, Officer, sets my anus a quiver.

(pretending to be Japanese) Do you have an extra small condom for my extra tiny penis? Maybe I could use a thimble.

I'm a pooping tom. I'm like a peeping tom only I poop...on girls.