Andrew

Morning Drew is now officially available on iTunes/Apple Podcasts podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mor…

What a fucking nightmare, dude

Gf keeps saying “hullabaloo” when she means to be saying “rigamarole.” Not sure how to proceed.

My comedy career would be way further along if I didn’t spend so much time sleeping with giant lizard monsters. I really need to quit dragon ass

I get heated when the restroom code is too easy. Like, first you tell me you don’t trust me. Now you’re telling me I’m too dumb to remember 12345? I don’t even want this chicken sandwich anymore!!!

Watching a video about mythicals. Narrator is being condescending about unicorns. “We know now that the horns came from narwhals, because OBVIOUSLY unicorns aren’t real.” Like damn, facts. Only an idiot would think those were horse horns. We all know horns only come from whales

DMX gave these Scottish farmers the wrong idea when he told them “fuck what you heard”

I was a guest on the latest @haunts_r_us podcast! We discussed some popular tales about selling your soul to the devil. It was fun, check it out!

Sometimes I get paranoid that I’m doing a bad job as a pet haver but this dumbass was gonna be alive no matter what choice I made and I feed him, play with him, and scratch his stupid head all the time so truly how much worse could he have had it?

He’s 1. Soft 2. Funny 3. A dickhead, but in a good way 4. A big bitch 5. I love him

It’s been at least a couple years since that cat hashtag thing I did. I love having a cat. This guy rules. Legitimately no regrets at all.

People say that men who like astrology are wh*res, but I just want to know about all my stats and abilities

People are asking if I have any holiday decorations up yet, I haven’t even finished changing all the clocks back an hour

You’re gonna sit there and pretend like glitches aren’t hilarious and that crocodiles, flamingos, and piggies aren’t fucking sick. Ok.

I’m literally out in public enjoying myself and all i can think about is how I like the new Pokémon and that this really funny game is wasted on all these fucking entitled dorks

I am not a gatekeeper and I’m happy to see people enjoy things they like and nostalgia etc, but imagine you see a person wearing a Chicago bears shirt, approaching them like “football, right?” And them answering “fuck no, I haven’t seen a single game since I was twelve”

Favorite part of being a Pokémon fan is seeing a person in public wearing Pokémon merch and approaching them like “yo, Pokémon?” And them being like “no, literally only squirtle and zero other Pokémon”

The monthly comedy show I co-produce with @DrewJFahey is this Friday. We have a great lineup of comics booked and we'll also have a few giveaways at the end. Don't miss this one.

I’ve been on this website for a decade and if I had a nickel for every time the narrative was “it’s bad here” I could probably also afford to buy Twitter

I’m a fucking comedian now! Buy tickets to my fucking stand up comedy show! It’s legitimately very good and fun!

I’m drunk and nostalgic, don’t worry about me. I just yearn for the innocence and ignorant bliss of a bygone era.

I’m tapping into my old Twitter @Tankyells energy and I’m getting scared, worried even