F. Scott Fitz Jesse (Johnny Utah edition)

I have my whole life ahead of me. Except for that huge chunk that is behind me and that I can never get back no matter what.

Knowing a guy who knows a guy is one of the most valuable things in the entire world.

An epiphany? Do I look like I have time for an epiphany today?

Bite me. I want to see if I’m made of cake.

When the In-N-Out guy asks me if I’m going to eat in the car, I say no. I am, but I don’t need them making it easier. Mama ain’t raise no bitch.

Eating in your car should be on the American citizenship test.

@Bob_Janke @youlooklikeamom Shit

Talking to this super old geezer at the gym and OH MY GOD HES THREE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME

showing my barber a picture of a guy with no arms

going on r/science and commenting "I knew that already" under every post

Off brand dr. Pepper has the funniest names. Like wdym I'm sipping on Dr. Perky?

Adding geologist to my CV after hitting rock bottom>>>>

@londonette @GMLmusic Lamb curry every time.

Me flicking through the menu at an Indian restaurant pretending to be open minded when I know full well I’m going to order the chicken tikka masala

The devil fools with the best laid plans…but he leaves me alone. My plans are garbage to begin with.

Sunday - Time to go into the woods and invent new ways to be human.

@Be_like_calvin2 This is so funny to me.

High as fuck reading the dictionary can't wait for our next argument bitch.

Had a brilliant thought for exactly 1.7 seconds. May she rest in peace.

I think a dark stormy day at an abandoned amusement park might fix me

Smart people be like, your other left

She said “I would never hurry you.” I was thinking, “If you don’t, I’m sure I’ll find a way to do it myself.”