Jay

decompress 🖤♠️🖤 open.spotify.com/track/5ddTEIzD…

If you miss a court date you go to jail but the former attorney general can just not show up for a congressional subpoena and it's nothing.

*opens up TurboTax* 5 minutes later:

When I was a tiny baby a witch put a curse on me to eat chips.

literally the funniest movie ever

Please, everyone, keep doing ts

i read that 40% of americans don’t have $500 and stopped honking at people, these people gonna blow my head smooth off

The Strait of Hormuz has one guard who cannot tell the truth and one who cannot tell a lie.

“The Strait of Hormuz is open and the sailors are having a wonderful time”

i open and close twitter like its a fridge

therapist told me it'd be easier if i just blew my shit smoove off

“the pope is weak on crime” is a top-5 funniest thing any politician has said ever in history

I love couchella 🛋️

"Pope Leo is WEAK on crime" is going to be bouncing around my brain for the rest of my life

Julian Casablancas at Coachella: "In six months, I think everyone who's eligible for the military has to register. You guys excited? Well, I hope to lead one of the Coachella units. The sexiest unit in our proud military, I'm sure." 📸: Valerie Macon / AFP

unc still got it ngl

@thevannzee Matt Tuiasosopo jerseys in the huge 2026 ❤️‍🩹

At this point, I think we need a president who is good at playing regular old 2D chess.

i’m stroking it

so good