Tina Fey

What does Monica Lewinski say to her new boyfriend? "It's close, but it's no cigar."

Am I eating a Caramello bar for lunch? Yes. Yes I am.

Amos probably didn't start out Famous, but with cookies this good, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Let's put our cards on the table: I dutch oven you -hilarious. You dutch oven me -I barf in the bed.

It's so nice out. It almost makes me want to go for a walk. Almost.

I may have lost a chocolate bunny somewhere in this bed... Don't judge me.

I think I can safely speak for America when I say, we're not shallow, but please, Britain, do something with Susan Boyle's eyebrows.

Why can't I doodle on my trackpad with a pen thing? I like drawing giants penises on Jon Stewart. Apple- Doodleytrackpad! Stat!

Even though it's almost over, May the 4th be with you!

See, Apple FINALLY made the trackpad a tablet! TOLD YOU IT WAS A GOOD IDEA!

Oh you kids these days. I can't tell which one is a hipster and which one's a hobo. You're all wearing beards, plaid, and riding a bike.

PSA: Ben & Jerry have a new flavor: Mission to Marzipan. IT'S AMAZING.

Where will Blanket be in ten years?

Hopefully, upgraded to Quilt.

It wouldn't be summer without that NY garbage smell.

Remeber that diet I said I was going to try on Jay Leno? well 10 days later I'm down 8 pounds. - > http://tinyurl.com/yj8hppc

Congratulations Mr. Obama! (Can I get coverage now even with my pre-existing cheese rash?) (Asking for my friend.)

@maacnp They were a last winter Target dealie.

Also you changed my name and put a T in. AGAIN WTF?

WTF hackers, really??