Jim Davidson OBE

@Baddiel @LeeloChip Jew unfunny cunt.

@loosewomen and it's well known in industry that Chris Evans got rid of Carol McGiffin because of her coffee breath.

@loosewomen 'Loose' being the operative word. My mate @darrendayceleb reckons Denise Welch has got a cunt like a wizards sleeve.

Thank Christ for @realrossnoble . This cat is making me look funny.

@GarryBushell Why you stop following me Gaz? I thought we were tight. Dm me. Jimbo.

Webcast live from Basra. May 2nd. Yours truly, Joe Pasquale, Status Quo and Michelle Marsh. Eat your heart out Michael Eavis.

@frankieboyle OOh frankie boyle was an alcoholic at 15 year old. Yeah, you and the rest of Scotland. Haggis brained winos.

@frankieboyle Oh you 'maverick'. I was ripping the piss out of Jews and Spaccas when you were wanking into a sock.

@JIMMYCARR If I were gonna rip somebody off it would at least be someone remotely funny. Make the most of your 15 minutes rubberface.

What's the biggest problem with being a coloured woman? A. There's no kitchen in the back of the bus . Hehehe

I wish Brucey would hurry up and pop his clogs.

What do you call a women with two black eyes? ........... Floella Benjamin. Hehehe. Proper laughing at my own jokes here. Hehehehe

Im voting for the ICELANDIC volcano party , Its done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days than labour has done in the last 10 years!!

@DarrenDayCeleb You've got some front. Agent says you undercut me for Dick Whittington. Poor Jon Virgos got a mortgage to pay yer know.

#BrianDowling Turns out my Doberman is a bloody Bio. Im sorry Brian. Maybes we got awf on the wrong foot.

@CherylKerl I wish Id been there lav when you layed out that African girl. Can I get your publicists number? Direct Message me lav. Jim x

A jewish kid dropped a shilling near Canary Wharf. Hehe he

Bit history for yas. Anyone know where the #londonmarathon originated fom?

I took the wife out last night..... one punch! HEHEHE