Very Funny Posts

Don't say you hate America now, because just last week you had on those American flag leggings.

No one will ever love you as much as I don't.

BF: What? He's not even that cute! Me: Stop it he's super funny & look he RTd me! BF: So now you love him? Me: Omg I do!!! I totally do.

A tragically doomed romance sounds like a great way to pass the winter months. Look at me planning ahead and everything.

Pretty certain the only way I'd ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.

Of course I'm nervous - I have an audition tomorrow. Which means I'm having sex tomorrow with someone I haven't met yet.

Don't model myself after Marilyn Monroe, but having imperfections & dying naked in bed clutching bottles of pills & champagne seems doable.

I've been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don't think it's funny.

Relax, you're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

I thought we were gonna buy Mexico & flip it. What ever happened with that?

Pick a major?? Find a man?? Have a career?? I haven't even settled on an app to access Twitter yet..so let's just slow it down people

Probably not going to talk you off that ledge, but I would ask you to scooch over so you don't hit my car.

I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

I don't know what's worse: my hangover, or the two 90-year old women laying naked beside me.

If you're really serious about winning a pillow fight, you should put a shitload of D batteries in your pillowcase.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

My kid asked if we have a thesaurus & I told her to use her brain. I mean it'd be pretty fucking obvious if we had a dinosaur wouldn't it?

Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes?

The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

Asking if I want to link twitter to facebook is like asking me if I want to invite my family over to watch me masturbate.