Beatrix Beauregard

if you (a man) see a person (me, a woman) struggling to put their bag up on the plane and you sit there and do nothing, i am genuinely putting a curse on your bloodline🩷

*bf says her hair is graying* “i thought you planned to breathe for longer than the rest of the day” “i do” “well then you are making very poor decisions for that goal”

my friend is trying to explain drama from life unexpected and my other friend asks “are these the people from bizardvark”

“what that thumb do”

What I mean when I say extra lime

@EleanourAndy @sheryl_hend damn it i was about to make this joke

@sheryl_hend It was probably hard to asses the situation with only one eye open.

Never let me asses the situation ever again

this is my 60 in a 25

professor just accidentally said 67 and there was a murmur across the lecture hall. i have had enough. grow the fuck up.

just trolled so hard that i got referred to as a bot. chat have i peaked

@EleanourAndy a sneaky puke or two can cure all

Post nut clarity but it’s just me after I throw up

@EleanourAndy couldn’t agree more

I beef with every unfunny person at the bar.

dating in arkansas is the worst. every man here is a whore(ible) person

wow these spam texts are getting more and more ridiculous

car in front of me revving their engine so loud it’s breaking the sound barrier. Like just because you have a small dick doesn’t mean you have to make it everyone else’s problem.

just watched a couple hold hands all the way down a long ass staircase. so what if i tripped one of you? you would both go down all bc u wanted PDA. lame as hell. #keepthatshittoyourself

a couple just walked across the street and one of them had the other on a leash. my mom goes “are they a furby” #HappyValentinesDay

“i’m not putting my finger up your poop shoot, nice try buddy” -direct quote from my roommate during our movie night

@EleanourAndy i literally couldn’t agree more

There are already WAY too many bellybuttons in the matrix

like 10 girls just huddled around one phone at a birthday party to watch the google drive edit. i love girlhood. #heatedrivalry

hangover so bad i forced my mom to put me on ft with the dogs