luke [from online]

[God looking at a pug dog for the first time] what the fuck did you humans do with my bad ass wolf I gave you?

When you are a literal piece of shit

If somebody told me in 2020 we will experience WW3, mass fires in Australia and a massive global virus pandemic. I would have said Carole Baskins killed her husband in 1997 and fed his body to the tigers

@dascool23 And worse than ever

Me (blowing bubbles through a straw to demonstrate how I mix cocktails): so did I get the position?

@denverbros I don't have any excuses

@brockvereen If you could fly me a bowl please. Would be good! Thanks

[sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Coworker: well I did it, I had “the talk” with my son last night. Me: whoa, the sex talk huh? Coworker: hell no, the “don’t eat laundry detergent talk”

"Hey YouTube! It's me luke" I say to nobody as I lay in bed. "Be sure to like and subscribe for more content" I say again to nobody, rolling over.

I'm back on Twitter and I still don't even like @EJGomez

@matthinkamp Negative I wish

@matthinkamp Im back and I'm rowdy. Are you an SE/EE now?

Mom: just act fancy. Girls like when a guy is fancy and classy *Later on date* Me: I eat fancy feast

Net neutrality may be gone but legally anybody can still Photoshop a poop emoji on Ajit Pai's head

LPT: If you still want to view the eclipse but don't have the proper viewing glasses you can just use a pair of binoculars!

*literally anything bad happens* News: millennials I tell ya.

Oh. Okay this all makes sense now. Everybody's actions were justified. Open and shut case. twitter.com/courierjournal…

"We are sorry you're upset!" United Airlines CEO