O, Fxxx My Life

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad...

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl on the video looked like my ex. FML

Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, u...

Today, my mother threw away my brand new headphones. She saw them on the couch with duct tape on the wires and assumed they were "old...

Today, I was bombarded with phone calls from debt collectors. After some investigation, it turns out my grandma, who has dementia, ha...

Today, after years of faking pleasure with my boyfriend, I visited the gynaecologist. As soon as she touched my privates I instinctiv...

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been ...

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am...

Today, my boss asked me to read through a document. I gave my feedback, saying it seemed like it had been written by an 8-year-old. T...

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 7 years with another woman. He panicked and blamed it on the "long distance" and how we "never ...

Today, I found out that my wife is having an affair with the same guy my ex-wife left me for. FML

Today, after my mom picked me up from the mall, she asked me what was in my bag from Gap. I wouldn't tell her, and she ended up groun...

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. ...

Today, I was feeling down about being stuck in bed after ankle surgery. I thought I would go ahead and call my boss and let him know ...

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers rou...

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the lo...

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and sai...