Stephpacito

The CDC just announced you should get down with the sickness.

Body: We should go to bed. Brain: Or we could look up history's deadliest carnival accidents.

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl @daddydoubts Ahem... #6

@PedersenAhmed @daddydoubts This is how we got #5.

Married sex is like traveling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.

@tacobell The grilled cheese burrito had meaning. #bringbackgcb

Time has no meaning. But Taco Bell? Taco Bell has meaning.

"I couldn't decide what I wanted so I ordered way more food than I could ever eat" is a recurrent theme in my life.

@Mirimade The snack that feels like crack 🎶 Goldfish!

Other Mom; Oh, good, you brought Goldfish for the kids! Me: Haha, no, I... I did not bring these for the children.

Current status: in the bathroom stuffing my bra like a poorly endowed high schooler because I forgot boob shields and have leaked through my shirt.

@hmramos0503 @cafchaosgrace @messymama18 @saltymamas

The baby slept 5.5 hours last night. He's breastfed so this feels huge. Lovely to sleep that long however, here is an actual depiction of my let down this morning.

@hmramos0503 @cafchaosgrace @messymama18 @saltymamas Yay! Congrats! I'm proud of how chill I have been transitioning to a mom of 5 even though it's a pretty huge difference. Not perfect and not without triggers but more chill than I would have been 5 years ago!

4 year old: why did the chicken cross the road? Me: why? Her: because he wanted to get runned over. 😳😂 So she's a realist.

Husband said I need more contaienrd for my containers of containers. ... Is he saying I should buy more containers then?

Newborn giraffe: Falls 6 feet to the ground, scampers around, quickly finds milk by herself. Newborn human: Panic-searches for nipple that is currently in her mouth.

@honestupbringin Sloppy joe to the noggin on a 10 day old 😂

@stephaniemroc How do you know?!😂😂😂

If you breastfed and never dropped food you were eating on your baby, you're a liar.

@louby @saltymamas Listen. The first bruise my 3rd ever had was from a tablet to the cranium while bf'ing. I felt so awful 😭😭😭😭

@stephaniemroc @saltymamas I think my phone was the lowest point.

Mmmkay Hulu after a decade of no cable or TV service Is this what Rapunzel felt like when she left the tower? Anna when they opened the gates? Ariel when she sold her soul to an octopus woman for legs?

All I’m saying is maybe the Flowbee should have a nose hair cutting adapter.