Funny Tweets

Having a kid is great... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or talking.

I shouldn't be near Vegas and have money in my pocket.

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass!

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile.

I’m gonna go take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.