Matt The Medic

Paramedics should be allowed to go back to people's houses and say "Remember when I saved your life? Yeah. I need help moving a couch."

BREAKING NEWS: President to wrestle 2 women at White House UFC 250

Had a couple beers with a Medic I used to manage. It’s so great to see how far he has come in his personal and professional life. Then his fiancé showed up “Matt, meet Carlin.” Me: Like the comedian?! Her: What? It’s Carlynn. Me: Nevermind. I thought your parents were cool

Watching Ghostbusters with my toddler today. Turns out this guy is called the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Stay Puft. Written right there on his hat. But that didn’t stop me from confidently saying “State Puff Marshmallow Man” for the last 40 years.

The mostly silence of your conservative friends, on social media, about the execution of Alex Pretti is hinging upon the late night Fox News opinion shows to tell them what to think.

It’s wild that the DHS argument for killing an American Citizen is pretty much Ned & Jimbo v. South Park, Colorado (1997) Wherein you can kill anything provided you yell “It’s coming right for us!”

“There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, and caroling out in the snow!” We’re pretty busy… “THERE’LL BE SCARY GHOST STORIES AND TALES OF THE GLORIES OF CHRISTMASES LONG, LONG AGO!” Back up. Ghost stories? For Christmas?

Last student loan payment. I overpaid them 50¢. Then turned off electronic notifications. I know it’s petty, but I will let them physically send mail to notify me of the credit on my balance for the next 20 years.

If Trump were President, there's no way Russia would attack Poland.

My new book is out on October 7. Small book tour coming soon. Oh and, among other advance readers, @marcmaron had some kind words for it. Wow!

For first time ever (28 years) Fox News just removed the stock market ticker from their broadcasts. “Let’s not show them facts”

All of this is a result of @history channel deciding ice road trucker picker men reality TV was more important than day after day playing a constant stream of reminders of Hitler’s playbook.

@elonmusk Hey dipshit, you are not in charge.

Once again

Turned 42 today. Reflected on it being 21 years ago that I turned 21. I have very few memories of going out drinking on that night many years ago. I’m so embarrassed by my behavior back then. I should have gone harder. Punched cop. Shit in a storm drain. I didn’t lean in.

Call me crazy, but I think every person selected for a cabinet level position should, at a minimum, have the same vetting as new US military service members. Strip naked. Duck walk. And lastly a very, very old doctor should shine a flashlight on their butthole.

8th anniversary of this tweet: (2016)

1400 Saturday, we arrived there with supplies to drop off. Person in charge was a teacher at the school who politely asked we take it elsewhere. Or wait 3hrs to unloaded. She said she had no affiliation. She just needed volunteers to help sort and deliver the things.

@kelly_carlin Out of curiosity what was the final outcome of this? Thankfully not having to deal with my be-flanneled late father showing up in anything except an occasional Chrysler commercial from the plant in New Castle, Indiana in the 80’ or 90’s.

I guess he is in it. I can’t find anything on IMDB about it though. Gonna have to make some calls tomorrow.

Hey @FanDuel, Where do I go to bet that Joe Biden will say “Fuck around and find out.” at the debate Thursday?

@kelly_carlin He’s great! I’ll shoot you some pics sometime soon.

@MattTheMedic I am well. How’s the little one?

I can’t believe it’s been SIXTEEN YEARS since he’s been gone. Sure he made you laugh, but he had soul when it came to music. Probably the biggest gift he gave me. youtu.be/F5YCQePkVfM?si…