The Mets

If a hotel charges me to park, I am running the water 24/7.

My cousin crushed his teacup chihuahua with a fushigi ball

Can't wait for the Senate hearings: Senator: President Clinton, why were you on the island? Clinton: Same reason you were, Senator. Senator: My time is up.

there should be a separate TSA line for people who are apparently experiencing their first day on earth

After a lot of thought, I’m excited to announce my commitment to @LinfieldFB thank you for believing in me! I’d like to thank my teammates, coaches, friends, and family. I’m excited to be a WILDCAT😼💜❤️ @SumnerFootball @coachbelliott

Yall let me know the next time you see this. Then we’ll start comparing.

Steelers are now the only undefeated team in the AFC (6-0) 🔥 @brgridiron

*All classes are online now* Lunch ladies:

@LosMurillo126 I got Jesus gettin a stop

@zee_the_creator my bad, I accidently pressed follow and liked all her pics, my phone trippin

I need something bigger than all caps to accurately express the anger I feel for people who casually ride bikes in the middle of the road.

Her: I actually think Ratatouille is a boring movie Me *shakes head at waiter bringing the engagement ring*

We’re literally about to uncover the largest sex trafficking ring in the world THIS IS HUGE and nobody gives a damn because your brains are controlled by the media and the media doesn’t want you to know that your favorite celebs that you worship and stalk are all pedos 🤒🤧

‘WE GOT LONDON ON THE TRACK’

Ghislaine Maxwell is being moved to the same prison where Jeffrey Epstein was suicided. You literally couldn’t make this shit up.

what we mean when we say god-tier