Sara Land (Uzer)

My dreams be like: “You seem stressed. Would you prefer to lose all your teeth tonight or return to high school?”

It’s deeply unserious that I’m somebody’s mother, but still have to do a little jump to reach things in my house.

It’s so cute how my daughter has a matching bow for every outfit she owns and I’ve been wearing the same spit up-stained shirt for three days.

Me: *finally feeling like myself again* Postpartum hair loss:

“Why does my back hurt so bad lately??” I ask myself, while bending over to pick up the toys my baby flung off her high chair for the hundredth time.

Me: “I’m just going to put you down for a few minutes so I can make lunch.” My baby:

Everyone talks about the “newborn trenches,” but not enough people talk about the sleep regression that conveniently occurs right when you go back to work. 😭

Me before baby: “I’m such a minimalist.🤪” Me after baby: *trips over all the baby contraptions in the living room and proceeds to buy one more*

“Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Thanks, but I’d rather doom scroll.

Transcribing interviews is always a great reminder that no matter how professional I try to be, I will always sound like Kristin Cavallari.

Me: “Why are all men obsessed with YouTube? I just don’t get it.” Also me: *Watches TikToks for 6 hours straight*

“Stop shrinking to fit places you’ve outgrown.✨” - Me to myself when I try to wear my pre-pregnancy clothes.

“If I’m too much, then go find less.” - the worst person you’ve ever met

I love how “Cool” by Gwen Stefani is always playing in the store when I’m actually fighting for my life.

I like Sabrina Carpenter because she’s giving the 4’11 community the representation it deserves.

That season of house of the dragon could’ve been an email

“Biden definitely didn’t write that letter!” I’m begging you all to realize that public figures quite literally NEVER write their own statements lol.

The lowest rate you could possibly imagine

Freelancing is fun until you’re waiting on $2500 worth of payments

I just re-watched the Degrassi episode where Jimmy gets shot and that show had no business being so intense. Why am I crying over Drake right now??