Hamavin Yavin

CHACHAM: Returns shopping cart to designated area RASHA: Leaves shopping cart so it’s blocking a fire exit TAM: Tries to pawn off cart on someone leaving the store EINO YODEA LISHOL: Didn’t take a cart and is standing at checkout with an armful of stuff

Having teenage boys makes you do desperate and unnatural things. Like buying Cheerios and macaroni a week before Pesach.

David (preparing the 1st Temple): I live in a house so God must have a house. Herod (revising the 2nd Temple): I live in a palace so God must have a palace. Millennials (dedicating the 3rd Temple): So this is God’s studio apartment that God shares with three roomies…

Justice has sufficient light.

I’ve been doing test runs with this at work for the past 15 years and it works great…

Shmura matza companies:

Shadchanim be asking questions like

Parshat Hachodesh means time to stock up on prunes…

Fun fact: After the Exodus, God forbade mixing milk and meat because a mummified pharaoh looked EXACTLY like a Philly Cheesesteak.

On the 6th day of creation, bein hashmashot, Hashem downloaded the App Store from which all other app stores were downloaded.

When the Ashkenazi gets an aliyah at a Yemenite minyan and suddenly realizes he’s expected to read the portion.

TERUMAH-TETZAVEH: Here’s how to build the mishkan. VAYAKHEL-PIKUDEI:

וַנְּהִ֤י בְעֵינֵ֙ינוּ֙ כַּֽחֲגָבִ֔ים וְכֵ֥ן הָיִ֖ינוּ בְּעֵינֵיהֶֽם

Israel is the land of milk and and honey, and the US isn’t. This is because Israeli bees make the sweetest honey in the world, while US bees make flash drives and cable adapters.

TEACHER: The material isn’t that confusing. THE MATERIAL: More confusing than a woman in an Israeli flag burqa carrying a rainbow confederate flag and a sign saying No Kings. Or Queens.

CHRISTIANS: (*start arguing about whether God is non-binary*) NORMAL JEWS: That’s so dumb. It’s like arguing whether air is non-binary. BRISKERS: (*start arguing about whether air is non-binary*)

@jfdwolff Semicha

@hamavinyavin Wait, bochrim learn halocho? Which magical institution is this?

A yeshiva bochur can spend hours a day studying a book called “Shulchan Aruch” and still not know the fork goes on the left of the plate.

HASHEM: AN EYE FOR AN EYE!!!! CHAZAL: