Lucent

When it comes to home-cooked meals, finding a hair is a non-issue. Just sharing a pillow will have you swallowing a small wig every year.

Are the abrasive underwear seams sewn facing inward to look good in ads and we're supposed to exercise free will and wear them inside out?

Broke: Wife stays home because childcare is more than her salary. Woke: Wife stays home to mow because lawn care costs more than her salary.

The History Channel could pivot to aliens and keep its audience because aliens scale up history's core question of how civilizations unfold.

Culling photos takes so long for the same reason you keep checking an empty pantry. Each pass lowers the bar until something clears it.

If women follow teen girls to stay young, and men treat women's disapproval as the edge of permissible opinion, who really controls culture?

Don't think we have face in the West? Call someone out for obvious AI writing and the denial is face-saving: "But I could have written it!"

As community transmission increases, I shift my pronunciation toward the u missing from hantavirus to properly conjure its spookiness.

"You mean like Counselor Deanna Troi from Star Trek?!" ―me, after hearing your online personality test results

Sorry your birthday presents sucked for a couple years. I was between relationships, and gift procurement had briefly fallen to management.

I hope we find aperiodic monotiles buried in a bathroom installer's guide. "Tile A covers any floor, but needs both sides glazed, unlike B."

Age gap discontent will fade as forever-young millennials increasingly pass for peers with their prematurely aged zoomer partners.

"They're selling dollars for 85 cents, if you ignore the 15% chance of losing your shirt." ―every prediction market sure thing

It's OK that only half know how four-way stops work because the other half use the strategy of waiting a moment to see if no one else goes.

If you're an adult, there's nothing legally stopping you from putting cheese in a pan, frying it up, and making that your meal.

Your success as an uncredited opening act, whether band or comedian, depends on being able to clearly enunciate your own name.

Don't have the status to make downtown feel safer for your family on the strength of your good name? Rent it by the week at Disney World.

Forced above-ground pool hate comes from resentment that it delivers the same joy at a lower price, and taste is easier to attack than joy.

You can stop doing infant-directed speech on pets. The sing-song enunciation that primes babies does not appear to help dogs learn to talk.

Scenes where a smart character gets an idea from a dumb character's remark are attempts at the final frontier of inclusivity: intelligence.