dj

Do u wanna come over and lay in bed like the grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I can tell ur ass went to Jupiter to get more stupider

i never beg except when it’s to differ

going to the bathroom at 3am using a middle school classmate's linkedin profile as a flashlight

Best case scenario for marijuana: A commercial makes you laugh for 15 minutes and Taco Bell hits twice as hard. Worst case scenario: Your heart feels like it’s going to explode as you panic about your parents’ inevitable death. Anyway, I have some nearly every day.

you’re on Very thick ice with me . i love you

High as fuck reading the dictionary can't wait for our next argument bitch.

Dr Bronner, visibly drunk: and tell ‘em you can brush your teeth with it

Hi please don’t vape around my baby. We’re raising him exclusively on Marlboro reds.

“In the end the Party would announce that two and two made five, and you would have to believe it.” -George Orwell, 1984.

please don’t smoke your strawberry ice vape around my baby. he does not like that flavor

i hate cutting oranges at a bar bc it only gets used once, in a blue moon

home alone and I just heard RuPaul’s cut to commercial chuckle from the basement

Asked a guy at the store of I could get by real quick and he goes "yeah go ahead man kill yourself" but with a polite tone of voice. Kill myself????

Yall say shit like this meanwhile your grindr bio looks like this

i wear men's underwear without packing bc the bulge space leaves room for my bush

When I was a tiny baby a witch put a curse on me to eat chips.

it’s hole filling season