The Plus Ones

The best part about going to the bathroom at work is that for just 5 sexy minutes you are actually getting *paid* to take a shit.

Working in retail makes me hate Asian people even more than when I'm driving and I'm hungry and why are there no drive thru sushi places?

Better: I wonder how many of the rapture believers are republicans. My guess? 90%. The other 10% confused it with a rap-tour.

The best part about being an alcoholic is that all of your trash is recyclable. Go green, my friends. I'm drunk.

I wonder how many of the rapture believers are republicans. My guess? 90% The other 10% think it happened.

"Well that's YOUR cross to bare." "DON'T YOU BRING BEARS INTO THIS!"

My least favorite part about cats is how lame they are and how did I end up snuggling with a cat right now? You got me again, cats.

The main difference between dogs and cats is how were there no ThunderDogs?

72,000 lbs of canned chicken salad recalled. Nobody affected. Because who buys canned chicken salad? http://bit.ly/dK9crx

Amazing: http://threewordphrase.com/datecomics.htm

New video! Brawny: The paper towels that are all brawn, with just a little bit of knee http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/4vwp

The new Sun Chips bags. 100% Biodegradable, 100% annoying as sh*t.

Foster's may be Australian for beer, but PBR is American for awesome.

@danieltosh Maybe your one bit of masculinity?

Lindsay Lohan's last job was a Lifetime movie... 90 days in jail seems like a step up for her career.

Check out our newest video: Audition video FAIL http://FunnyOrDie.com/m/423j

That one N. Korean goal against Brazil was Kim Jeong-ILL!

The costumed 'superhero' panhandlers on Hollywood Blvd are banned by LA. Do I hear a script for the ultimate X-Men sequel?!?

You should call it "skin." RT @HeidiMontag I have never felt sexier, happier, or more amazing in my own skin.

So is spelling. RT @justinbieber: Rain forrests are awesome.