Evel

the power of caffeine propels me

.Good Morning Green Room Of The Jerry Springer Twitterville

Behind every strong sexy woman there's a man poking her in the butt with a boner

Good morning to anyone who didn't have sex last night! The rest of you can go fuck yourselves! Wait, what?

When he plays with your nipples it's called manipulation, right? Right?

Sexy lingerie is way hotter than nudes Do not @ me!

I have nothing in common with people

*gets my hopes up* Hope: "put me down"

find yourself a guy who texts you back as fast as he comes

I don't drink a lot, but when I do, I scream sing Flagpole Sitta and mess up the words.

Welcome to your 50s! Not only do you have pill sorters, but their labels are worn clear off.

I can't decide if I was this depraved when I got here or if you all made me this way.

if you’re fighting a fight in your heart that you just can’t talk about, i’m sending you hugs

Since we've broken up, there are questions that come to mind, like "Who will I dress up as a Playboy bunny for, now?"

You can never have too much ~ hoarder’s motto ~ whore’s motto …and also words to live by

Kids these days do not know the terror 70’s parents engendered with just a withering stare.

Gisele probably made Tom put together an IKEA bookcase and he was like “fuck this…where’s my helmet?”

What good is a bestie if you can't unload your psychological sewage on them.

me: whatcha thinking about? him (wondering if we have enough cheese to last the week): just thinking about how beautiful you are