Brother Ben

Instead of drinking myself to death I'm thinking pancakes are the way to go.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

That scene from Office Space where they drag the copy machine outside with a baseball bat… only it’s me and my Twitter search link.

If this world devolves to the point that they reboot Goodfellas I'm gonna just shed a tear or two and eat the barrel.

Let's relay messages through pieces of glass connected to networks I'll never understand and call it intimacy.

Big Bird’s friends refusing to believe in Mr. Snuffleupagus introduced stress and anxiety into my life at an early age, so thanks for that, Sesame Street.

Cats know nothing of daylight savings… they just think I’m late with breakfast. Again.

Not big on resolutions but I’m going to do everything I can to get back into those pants again. I’m talking about your pants.

dear 2022, let this be the year we laugh more, fuck more, and mentally struggle less

I got a souvenir from the museum. Not the gift shop. They have really good toilet paper.

[AT WORK] Coworker # 1: Good morning!! Me: [*Swipes left] Coworker # 2: Guess what I’m doing this weekend? Me: [*Swipes left] Coworker # 3: Can I get you coffee and a donut? Me: [*Swipes right]

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I'm just patting him down to make sure he's not wearing a wire.

I want to be this little snowflake that twirls in the wind. Then melt in a mountain stream and travel from river to river to the ocean to hear the sweet song of the mermaids.

I have a personal piñata planted in my brain.

More like Auld Lang SIGH

a global pandemic may be ruining the remainder of my twenties but it also hasn’t canceled my student debt

Be your own moral compass.

I was about to say fuckit and go to the store then remembered it's cold out and too peoply too.