Rubsomedirtonit™️

Walks into confessional. Slides phone through slot.

Hearing rumors that LIV Golf may not beheaded in the right direction.

*during sex Can’t believe I’m missing Matlock for this.

Let's go back to saying what things are.

you just need to let things go your honor

“Tick Tock, Motherfucker!” isn’t as threatening as it used to be.

If they ever make likes public again, we're going to have to change our names and move to a new country

I'd run like Tom Cruise if she needs me

I’m trying to have a good time despite knowing facts and information

I always carry an extra salisbury steak in my back pocket for emergencies

Schwarzenegger is the most famous exterminator.

*bouncing behind my wife on a pogo stick* a divorce!?

Just did 4 push-ups Might throw a bus at a bitch later idk

after 1987’s Fatal Attraction, no one was fuckin no one outside of marriage for like two years

Nothing says “He is risen” like cheddar bay biscuits.

"11 likes isn't much" imagine eleven pipers piping

"Open the fuckin Strait" I whisper to my wife as I snuggle up beside her

The shittiest person you know is posting “He is risen” on Instagram today

Any time a child memorizes a bible passage, they should be allowed to have one cigarette

sorry officer, jesus took the wheel and he decided to go 60 in a school zone

mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be podcasters