Idea For A Show

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@ldeaForAShow KELL'S HITCHIN: Dame Kelly Holmes leads a walking tour of the Hertfordshire market town.

JOBS FOR BORIS Boris Johnston works for the day in various factories up and down the U.K. This week Boris finds himself painting the red bellends of various size dildos on the production line of a sex toy factory in Slough.

BACON & HEGS Kevin Bacon and the Chase’s Anne Hegerty team up in a reality TV detective series to solve the mystery of the serial doorstep shitter terrorising the city of Leeds and surrounding areas.

QIUD GAMES Contestants must attempt to purchase an item from a pound shop in Tower Hamlets without getting stabbed, raped, robbed, bitten by an XL bully or racially abused.

JOHN’S CRAVEN WHIP-ROUND Watch the wealthy ex Kids TV news anchor set up a Givealittle page to fund a large extension to his Surrey Mansion. Thanks to @Robbo_Fox

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? This week we trace Ronnie Pickering’s linage all the way back to Alfred the Great,King of the Saxons, who historians believe also hated fucking cyclists.

ESTHER’S RANSOM *Drama Palestinian rebels kidnap Esther Rantzen only to realise that the whole of the U.K. is glad to see the back of her.

STARSTRUCK Random people insult Jada Pinkett Smith and husband Will twats them Kindly supplied by @ForgotToDuck

Sent in by @Retrocanary

IN THE SQUARE TONIGHT Long lost 3rd Mitchell brother Steve (portrayed by Phil Collins) arrives in Albert Square to sort 'aaat a gorilla terrorising the square by stealing everyone's chocolate. EastEnders theme drum intro replaced with the drum fill from Collins' biggest hit.

THE GALLOPING GOURMET TV chef James Martin is tied to the back of a horse and dragged through the North Riding of Yorkshire. Naked, and on fire.

CURB YOUR EUTHANASIASM - A hapless jewish man gets into scrapes by smothering old people with pillows - often resulting in awkward social misunderstandings. Programme Consultant: Harold Shipman. Submitted by @AndySayer77

COUNTDON Donnie Osmond inherits a peerage in England, with hilarious consequences. Sent in by @AndySayer77

YOU MASSIVE DONG Michael Portillo tours the English countryside looking for the village church with the biggest bell.

AUF WEIDERSEHEN PET. Reality show whereby we see the real-life adventures of a group of cute and cuddly household pets as they attempt to carry out basic building techniques on a German construction site Sent in by @martinrhand

THE CRYPTO FACTOR Gordon Burns has to remember the password to his Bitcoin portfolio while negotiating an army assault course. Sent in by @TronsMrTomson

LOCKDOWNTON ABBEY As the Crawley’s inevitably start to turn on each other as the stockpiled toilet rolls start to run dangerously low, Carson the butler sacrifices a sock in sheer act of desperation.

GONE PHISHING Lifelong friends Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse embark on a phishing tour of the U.K. Attempting to dupe victims into revealing their login credentials and credit card numbers.

AUNTY VAX Angry would-be doctor Gillian McKeith rants incoherently about COVID vaccinations while huffing from a tupperware full of shit.

BEN FOGLE INSIDE YOUR KNOB HOLE From the fireman’s helmet, down your skin flute and through your piss pipes, Ben gives us a unique look into the workings of the male urinary tract.