unknowncomic/murraylangston

Every Dog has its day. The nights are reserved for the Cats. - Sometimes when Two's Company, Three's the result. - Only someone with a lisp calls a spade a thpade. - Keep America Green. Have sex with a frog. - Keep incest in the family. - God is not dead. I am alive and well.

What do you say to a Philosophy graduate with a job? "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a coke. - What do you call a Cow with No Legs? "Ground Beef" - Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

When I die, I'm having them put BRB on my headstone. - I want to enter a Spelling Bee. I'm pretty sure I can spell Bee. It's B-E-E. - A drunk staggered by while I had my head under the hood of my car & asked "What's up?" I said "Piston broke" He said, "Me Too" and walked on.

It's Sad when your day is pretty much the same as yesterday and likely to be the same tomorrow. - Always remember that Change is growth. - When life knocks you down, instead of getting up, lie there and take a nap.

Some people find things that I think funny as offensive which is why I'm happier than them. - I wear the pants in my relationship but she does control the zipper. - I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes so I went out and got some glasses. Now I can see the spots much clearer

There are people trying to figure out the Universe and I just spent an hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car. – I found an injured bobcat & my neighbor said I should take it to the Zoo. I took it to the Zoo yesterday & today I'm taking it to the movies.

Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body? He's all Right now. - First Shark.. "What is funny looking & has two legs dangling in the water?" - 2nd Shark... "I dunno but I'll bite." - What do you call a Mexican with a Vasectomy? A Dry Martinez.

You ever wonder why there's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? My guess is there's more traffic going to hell. - You ever wonder if women are so smart, how come they have to dance backwards? - You ever wonder if a dog sees a police dog and thinks. "Oh shit, it's the cops

The secret to Happiness is no secret. It's Loving what you do. - Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. – Being Happy is simple, but most of us insist on making it complicated. - The only job you should have is because it's fun and makes you happy. -

Just took this pic... not bad for turning 81 today eh? Happy Born day to me on getting a year closer to death

Men who go bald in the back are Lovers. Men who go bald in the front are Thinkers. Men who go bald all over Think they're Lovers. - Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who has a hard time taking his pants off.

Facts about Men. - No man has ever been shot by his wife, while he was doing the dishes. – Men are like Floor Tile. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk over them for years. - Show me a man with five penises and I'll show you a man whose underwear fit like a glove.

4 Facts about women 1)The only time a woman wants to be a year older is when she's pregnant. -2) Women are right even when they are wrong. -3) Women always have the last word except when talking to another woman. -4)Women love Men in Uniform because they know how to follow orders

I miss the old days when you could push someone in the pool without worrying about a cell phone. - Yesterday my horse shot itself… so I had to break one of its legs. – Jesus fed thousands of people with one loaf of bread and one fish. How did he do it? Teeny weenie sandwiches.

Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. (Gordon B. Hinckley) - Whether you think you can, or you think you can't... you're right. (Henry Ford) - If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. (Groucho Marx) - I gave a fuck once, it was terrible. (Unknown)

If you think it's a small world, try seeing it by bus. – If your prayers haven't been answered, the answer is "No". - If it wasn't for your friends, you'd be a total stranger. - If there's enough room to spell "Bootylicious" on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

Hey everyone. I am currently unsupervised. Come on over. -When I woke up this morning, I had no plans to be this SEXY. - You know how they say you are what you eat. Well, I don't remember eating anything Awesome. – I wanna be in a relationship where nobody wears pants or panties

Don't worry about getting older. You're still going to do dumb shit, only slower. - In life, I've learned the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, Electrons and Morons. – And remember When life hands you a lemon, make yourself a margarita, then throw that Fucking lemon away.

Mornin'.... May your coffee be strong and your day be short. - You ever have those mornings when you feel like you shouldn't have a cup of coffee? Me Neither. - The reason I love coffee in the morning is because it keeps me awake until it's time for Happy Hour.

In the News. A Man was arrested for Loitering in a Donut Shop. He was charged with Impersonating a Police Officer. - Health News. Vodka & Ice damages your liver, Rum & Ice damages your kidney, Whiskey & Ice damages your heart. This is serious. Don't use Ice anymore.