Tim

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

[At Last Supper] *Jesus raises bread* This is my body *raises wine* & my blood *pulls out 8 of Clubs* & this is your card *Apostles go nuts*

Bruce Wayne: Are you my batrista? Barista: It's "bar-ista" BW: That's what I said. "Bat-rista" B: What can I get you? BW: A Batppuccino

@steak_umm Your payback to us is the friendships we made along the way

brands ARE your friends. we’re just the kind that ask for money and never pay you back

People get very upset when you don't wear your headphones correctly on the subway

@ESPN_BillC My question has been under what scenario would ND have made it in? The games seemed to play out in the optimal way ND needed them to (BYU & Bama blowout losses) so there didn't seem to be a way for ND to stay in no matter what happened.

In the end, Notre Dame's fate was decided by the committee deciding it couldn't punish Bama (not a '25 opponent) for losing its title game ... while punishing BYU & UVA for losing theirs. I just want teams ranked. I don't want this overthought, artisanally crafted list of teams.

I continue to assume Bama will serve as Notre Dame's meat shield, and those teams will get in at Miami's expense.

Black Friday is just The Purge with low priced HDTVs

@ZackBornstein 🔥🔥🔥

dirty mirror, dead inside, can’t lose

@ShawnHatosy Congrats Shawn! Very much deserved!!!

thank you

@RandBall There's an app called justwatch that does this

I need an entire web site with one function only: a catalog of every movie made since 2000 with a list of what streaming service they are on. Constantly updated, and if the answer is none tell me how much it is to rent

@JakePlunkett This is truly outstanding 👏👏👏

@KevinSussman YAY! Congrats Kevin!

It’s official! 😃

I bet they went with an American Pope because of the tariffs

This is the best description of how I handle my feelings ever

Me logging in to Twitter each morning

[Walks into kitchen] Hey, honey, do you know where I left my updog? "I want a divorce" Not much, what's up with you?

Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant. The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

I think we already have the answer to this question

@primawesome Congrats Mike!

Today I have 4 years off of booze. I thought that was impossible but here I am after failing to quit so many times before. You could do it too. It doesn’t work until it works.

Jesus looks like he is calling for the ball in the post so he can dunk away your sins

Flight Attendant: Did you sneak a dog on here? Me: Absolutely not FA: OK, because we would have to kick you off if you did [15 minutes later] FA (over speaker): Welcome aboard the flight. We will be coming through the cabin shortly with drinks and treats for everyone. Me: Oh no