RestrainedRaptor

I have discharged myself from the mental health service and removed myself from the waiting list. It is clear that they can't help me. I've stopped taking my medication. :'(

I think she’s finally realised what I knew all along: there is no fixing me. I have let myself and my family down again. I have already hurt myself as punishment.

The dark thoughts told me not to bother going to my therapy appointment today. My mother begged me to get out of bed repeatedly but I just stayed there. Eventually, she said “Fuck it, fuck it... I give up,” and stormed out crying...

We cannot help each other if we don't understand each other. We cannot understand each other unless we talk to each other. Even then, the process of talking is fraught with issues. Journal is here: deviantart.com/restrainedrapt…

The mask helps at first, but it always breaks eventually.

Come on, Sigma. Grow some fucking balls and end this before things have a chance to get even worse. Finish the plan you put in place years ago. Stop waiting in the name of hope.

Pye, Dahy, Indi, Virgil, Sebby... They were all right. I’m SICK. I’m a loser and a failure. I don’t deserve any second chances. Nothing will ever get better. Neither drugs nor therapy can fix someone this broken.

The voice in my head tells me that everyone wants me to shut up and die already. I've been told this is not normal, but the evidence is quite compelling.

I tried so fucking hard to be a good person. I failed. I don't understand where it all went wrong. I don't understand how people work. I just know that they hate me and want me dead.

Every time I feel I have a moment to recover, another bad thing happens. I have to break the cycle. Soon. The best I can hope for is getting the courage to do that.

A friend told me that I need to "learn to heal." I think this their polite way of saying "go and be someone else's problem." Sorry to say, I've had clinical depression for nearly 20 years and nobody's managed to help me with that. No medication, nor therapy, has even come close.

Looks like self-harm and suicide are a hot topic again. Funny how nobody gives a shit when I say I'm considering it. Have a nice day.

People sometimes ask me what my fitness routine is. It's pretty simple, really. Fighting off thoughts of depression and suicide every day burns a LOT of calories.

To the half-dozen people who still care about me and have wondered where I've been, I've written an excruciatingly detailed journal about all the miserable things that happened in 2024. Don't expect to see much of me in 2025 either. deviantart.com/restrainedrapt…

I guess I'm supposed to feel something now, right? Remorse? Anger? Guilt? Relief? I feel nothing.

I wrote a nice Christmas card for the @FurAffinity directors. Please enjoy, @Dragoneer, @Xanaecor and @Sciggles. I'm off to sleep now. Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow. Take care.

To all my friends, I wish you a Merry Christmas. To all FurAffinity staff and mods, I wish you a Merry realization that the actions you take every day have the potential to cause pain and suffering to thousands of people, so perhaps step up and do better, or resign.