Mental Masochist

They said "we have to address the elephant in the room" at my intervention and I'm like you're the delusional ones seeing invisible animals. Then I high fived it and rode it the fuck out of there.

Don't ask me what's high on my priority list. Everything on my priority list is high on something.

Me: Time to sleep. My mind: Time to open the gates of your heart and search the depths of your soul.

Hey that's my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

Baste your turkey in CBD oil so everyone at the table chills the fuck out

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

Anywhere you go in San Antonio, you can smell refried beans in the air, and it’s pretty fucking great, to be honest.

In Canada our advent calendars are filled with 24 tiny bottles of maple syrup

I went for a conjugal visit but didn't get conjugated

Go away, I'm introverting

@Conchvegas1 Yeah man. Mine never turns off.

What is pain but the warning light on life's dashboard

Forget about fight or flight, I fidget

I think sometimes we all need one of those big maps with the dot saying you are here when making decisions

Don’t you hate it when you carry on a whole relationship with someone and they don’t notice?

*stumps toe OUCH! WTF WAS THAT? *stumps other toe on the same object

Where them motherfucking aliens at? This is some fuckin bullshit!

Brand loyalty is so embarrassing. There, I said it.

I’m pretty sure my body’s check engine light is on.

She asked for a gift that can last for a year. So I gave her a calendar. Stay tuned to more relationship advice

Sometimes I pretend I know what people are talking about just to get them to stop explaining.