Alan ⛵️

Some people give ya a bakers dozen I’ll give you an Alan dozen. It’s 9. I have no idea what happened to the other three.

ÚLTIMA HORA: Están aumentando mucho los estornudos, según un estudio de la universidad de Más achuses.

@Osinttechnical Lame

The U.S. military is considering re-naming the war with Iran “Operation Sledgehammer” if the current ceasefire collapses and war resumes -NBC The working theory is that it would restart the 60-day War Powers countdown.

@MyLordBebo Rest in pieces, he’ll be mist

🇺🇸 The trespasser at the Denver airport was basically reduced to red mist … crazy Life hack: Do NOT walk around on the runway of international airports. That might save you.

@akafaceUS 45 here. The only way I enter a pool is cannonball

How people get into the pool as they age.

@AngryCitizenxx Exercise. Anything. Play with your kids, go for a walk, clean the gutters. Literally anything except sitting around

Ok I'm struggling right now I need the best tricks to keep my mind busy, I'm this close to opening a beer.

@dklineii Not everyone can be an Alan

I once hired a B-player everyone loved. "He's so easy to work with," they said. "He'll fit right in." I prioritized chemistry over capability. That hire cost us a year. Easy isn't the bar. Excellent is. Here are 3 easy-to-miss bad-hire archetypes that quietly ruin great teams:

@TruckerDanUSA They don’t make ads like this because trucks are a status symbol now. Luxury vehicles not work vehicles

They don’t make ads like this anymore. Because they don’t build trucks like this anymore. Tell me I’m wrong.

@ToddLlewellyn Back when TVs were $1000 I won one at a company Christmas party. Had to insist it goes to someone else. “You won fair!” That’s not really the point.

Send help. Pissed off some of my employees. Took them to Top Golf. Announced that I had $100 flash lights as prizes. Did not say that prizes went to the winners. Gave the prizes to the losers. The winners are pissed. 🤣🤣

Shipping anything with the USPS is basically telling me you don’t care if I get it or not

I had no idea ya’ll were so quick to drop the 9/11 jokes, think we have more in common than we do apart. I’ll have to come visit soon

This stupid joke I thought no one would see ended up pissing off a Brazilion people

@akafaceUS This has happened to me 3 times already

A giraffe managed to get its head stuck between the railings and this happened..

@dbongino Aren’t you the guy that covered up for those pedophiles? How are you not too embarrassed to be online?

Pete Hegseth is a game changer. Generational talent. Thanks. 🇺🇸

@Dylan_Morri Do you have the ability to QC it?

Hey, should I spec a .0001” tolerance on a 34ft part and refuse to pay until it passes QC? Could be fun, I could buy the CNC machine from the factory sale

@markgallagher_2 My guess? No one cares. They would sell maybe 1% less without the American flag, if costs remained the same

how many brands would have a dramatically different presence in retail stores if they were not allowed to use manipulative tactics like this? Any fishing aisle is thousands of these fake flags

@Toribabieegirl I didn’t want to believe he was stealing from the construction zones, but when i opened the garage all the signs were there

Tell us one thing about ur Dad.

@PaulYacoubian Just fill in the bay. You could get rid of those big expensive bridges that way, too

@chrisalbon It comes from the faucet dude

SF is the only city I’ve been in where people know where their water comes from.

I saw a video about a neat lock washer. I liked it. Twitter is showing me the same video from more accounts. Over and over. It’s not my favorite movie i was fine seeing once

@ChristopherHale If forced to chose between Trump and god, it’s not even something they need to think about. Trump is their god

NEW: MAGA evangelical leaders gather in Mar-a-Lago to bless and dedicate a gold statue dedicate to Donald Trump.