Ben Cardilli

Prosecutor: Your story isn't fooling anyone! Me (on the stand): Jump in de line! Rock your body in time! 🎵 Jury: Ok! I believe you! 🎶 Prosecutor: Damn...

Maybe for Kanye the swastika is just the symbol for 69ing with your cousin.

For this one Easter, Jesus wasn’t crucified. He was stoned. #420

Just took an Uber to my place and imagined I was food.

She’s going on hawk tour.

“How high up does it go?” - Journalist inquiring about systemic corruption OR parent inquiring about the crap going up their baby’s back that is somehow dangerously close to its neckline?

Socks have a much higher divorce rate than shoes.

Nike should get @McConaughey as their spokesman and change their slogan to “Be a lot cooler if you did it”

Spite. Obey your worst.

Bob Barker dies at 99. Left us just under the dollar.

For the first time in my baby’s crying career he actually made the “Waaaa” sound and I just looked at him like “that’s kinda hack, don’t ya think?”

@biginsanehappy Topping it has been Mission: Impossible thus far.

The MONTRÉAL Show 🫶 Bringing you directly into MTL's comedy scene, featuring the crème de la crème of the city's comedic talent 🍦 👑 Hosted by @BigP4H with @BenCardilli, Erich Preach, @harriweinreb, Marianne Mandrusiak, @mikecarrozza and @RashElie! 🎫 montreal.hahaha.com/en/shows/montr…

Whenever my dog hears thunder he goes full R Kelly.* *hides in the closet and pisses where he shouldn’t.

Diet Coke. Shaken not stirred.

“Next episode in” yea let’s just make me feel like a sack of shit for 5 seconds.

I like when there’s a stool on stage so the crowd knows I did a stand-up.

MAN UP, EAT BALD EAGLE!!! @BenCardilli @manyvids

Short URL’s are a lousy lay. They com too quick.

A VERY HUNGRY SHOW! 🍳🥓🍕🍟🍔🥞🧇🍆🌮 Brand new @avseriousshow on @ManyVids featuring @lully514 #MichelleForrester @BenCardilli @theinfinitepest and the Picasserole himself @TheJoshElkin

In movies, “don’t hang up” means “hang up before I get to the “up”