OptaJoke

100 - Percentage of Sunderland fans impressed with their new striker Nick Woltemade. Header.

7,398,124,765 - Number of people on the planet better qualified to be FIFA president than Gianni Infantino. Blatter.

99 - Percentage of Scotland’s population who’ll remain drunk between now and next year’s World Cup. Buckfast.

3 - Harry Maguire’s forehead is the 3rd largest man-made object that can be seen from space. Slab.

99.9 - 99.9% of all faxes sent each year in England are sent on Transfer Deadline Day. Retro.

59 - Mikel Arteta has spent the last 59 minutes looking for the receipt for Viktor Gyokeres. Refund.

15 - Number of minutes into the new Premier League season it took for the first VAR controversy to occur. Handball.

1 - No one knows more than one line to the Champions League anthem. CHAAAMMMPPIIOOONNNSS.

100 - Percentage of Arsenal fans denying they ever thought Spurs had a chance of getting a result against Liverpool today. Spursy.

1992 - Ant and Dec haven’t been this emotional since Ant was blinded during a paintball fight in 1992. Byker.

1,301,426 - Number of Man United fans who have deleted their tweet saying Ruben Amorim will save their season. Relegation.

27 - Percentage of Everton fans gutted Jordan Pickford saved Erling Haaland’s penalty because he’s still in their fantasy football team. Overpriced.

1 - Gary Neville is contractually obliged to make his trademark goal celebration noise at least once a game. WWOOAAAEEERRRHHHH.

3 - There are 3 things guaranteed in life - death, taxes and another goal for Mo Salah. Inevitable.

39,098 - Number of Man United fans disappointed Ruben Amorim hasn't won them the Premier League & Champions League yet. Impatient.

12 - Number of minutes into Thomas Tuchel’s first match as England manager that fans will start singing songs about German bombers. Jingoism.

7 - Number of weeks into the season it’s taken for Tottenham to go back to acting normally. Spursy.

10 - Because you’ve spent 10 seconds reading this tweet you’ll now be booked for time-wasting in the North London Derby. Jaundice.

0 - Number of words left to describe Erling Haaland. .

w0rrzw - Code you need to join OptaJoke’s Fantasy League for the new season - fantasy.premierleague.com/leagues/auto-j…. Auto-join.