ruby

every year that passes, i realize what a gift ive been given to still be alive. it’s a miracle that i ever even drew a sober breath. even if it stopped right there - that would have been a miracle in itself. so many people don’t make it. including friends and loved ones of mine. and i did. and i wasn’t even trying. there was no “quitting”. i was absolutely incapable on my own power of stopping even if i wanted to. i was sure i would die sooner than later and maybe then, the nightmare would be over. all credit goes to God. He absolutely did for me what i could not do for myself. i don’t question it - i try to make the best out of it and use my pain and experiences to help other people. there is no drug in the world that compares to when after hours, days, years of me working on something, pouring my soul unfiltered - no writing, sacrificing time for myself, my wife, my family, etc and i see you guys listen and you get it. you understand me. you are me, only i just have a big loud microphone. you cry. you light up and turn the fuck up. and for that moment - we connect. there is no better feeling than that and yall give me that. year after year. i could never repay what all of you have given me. i know what it’s like to feel hopeless. to see other people get sober, change, etc and be like “fuck them”. idc if you’re sober, what religion or politics you subscribe to, if you’re shooting fent, I LOVE YOU. you’re not alone. you have a chance. i didn’t think any of that applied to me. good for other people but wouldn’t work for me. i’ve never been more wrong in my life. if you need help - please reach out and get it. it’s not fuckin easy. but it really is simple. if you can get honest, have an open mind that maybe you don’t know everything you think you know, and are just the tiniest bit willing to do something different - you have a shot i used to think i didn’t believe in anything. i was a nihilistic miserable mother fucker. life had no meaning. there was no higher power. life was meant to just be tolerated at best. how wrong i was. even when i was a “lazy atheist” i was worshipping something and didn’t even know it - I WAS WORSHIPPING MY THINKING AND MY REASONING. i worshipped praise. money. fame. validation. music. so i did have faith all along. only that faith was in a delusional idiot who thought he was smart (me). but once i put my life into the hands of something bigger (whatever was working for my sponsor or the old timers in AA cuz i was incapable of comprehending a god) my life changed. i started to stay sober. i wasn’t obsessing about getting high. my perspective of the world changed by working a couple stupid steps. some people say i talk to much on here. i care too much about what yall think. i lose the “mystique” by spilling and talking to yall like a normal person. but FUCK THAT. i am a normal person. i’m not special. God has given me a gift and today i pray im using it to help whoever is willing to listen. i’m not perfect. im broken. i’m a boy who is scared of the world although i act as if i fear nothing. i’m littered with fear. drugs were my way to turn the volume down. instant acceptance every time i got high. fuck being sober - wanted nothing to do with it. i rather die. thank you God. thank you 12 step programs. thank you to getting back to my faith in my Lord, Jesus Christ. thank you to anyone and everyone who stuck with me and even the ones that didn’t. i truly understand. thank you to my wife. she is the best person i’ve ever met. my parents who tried and continue to try their best. broken for sure but always loved me with everything in them. thank you guys for giving me a life i couldn’t even fathom and getting to do what i love every fuckin day. even if this helps one person - then great. today is not about me - it’s about showing there is hope, God is real, and you have a chance. please don’t give up.