Toots

Getting fitted for my space suit: "I'm a size 12." In space: *Dies*

Cochon

God forsaken hell hole was apt. I’m out.

For anyone who has been on this god forsaken hell hole of an app for nearly 15 years - that tiny child I had is now going to uni. Blimey.

south lakes zoo is a right laugh

Does The Factory exist as a building yet or is it still under construction? We went to view a uni that was ‘based in the iconic Wembley Stadium’ but when we got there they had no affiliation and had just hired conference rooms. Factory has a similar vibe. I might be wrong.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I'll just sign up with a different name. They can't silence the truth.

@Danny_McMoomins I don’t really go on twitter much anymore as it's just gloom. It has warmed my cockles that the first thing I see when I've opened the app is you shit stirring. This is exactly what I'm here for ☺️

It’s time again! June 2nd is #Internationalwhoresday when we celebrate the daring tricks and whorestorical delights of the 1975 French #sexworkers strike. So if you dig a good #whorestory join me as I reach into the archives (if I can get it together). 1/15 Thread

Spectral singing from deep within a cave. An incredible experience to enjoy.

@elziemoo The dog costs me little over £90 a month and does not answer back x

📢 Exciting news ! We have extended our existing refuge provision for women & children in Bury. Our new refuge is now taking referrals on ☎️ 03033 3033 581 Option 3 We are recruiting for roles in Bury You can apply at calicojobs.co.uk/vacancies/ @BuryCouncil @Calico_Group

This email subject and everything about it has been annoying me since yesterday. Did you mean ‘we're not mad at it’ so you love it or ‘we're not mad about it’ like you hate it? If the latter, why are you telling me you don't like it in an email?

Why is there a chinook helicopter flying over my house?

Things are really grim for small businesses at the moment and tbh I’m feeling pretty rotten about it. I would really appreciate it if you had a look at my gift shop and gave this tweet a like or RT. Thank you, pals x doodlesbyben.etsy.com

The difference to my brain when I've been on a big walk in the mountains is incredible. I could have said that without the pic but I look great so here it is.

@notmacksy What do they except me to do? Have half a bottle of ketchup? Don't be STUPID. Double the beans and then we’ll talk.

@notmacksy There's just not enough beans for the volume of meat. I can't believe my issue with this is that the volume of food isn't large enough... But here we are.

Probably the best thing you'll see today. In 2017, a group of developers hilariously competed for who could create worst volume control interface in the world. The results 🧵 1/22

My nephew plays wordle on his mum’s phone. Sometimes he gets it in 2. He starts every game with LOLLY and I absolutely love this bold energy.

@tinytwink It would be funny if this wasn’t about paint colour but this was just your view as you sat on the loo and still everyone starts commenting FARROW AND BALL IS RUBBISH PAINT

Downstairs toilet decisions …