Dan Slamilton

@xtinemarx hbd!!!!!

it’s my birthday! i’m 35 today! i’m so lucky to be here and to grow older and to be surrounded by such wonderful people. shoutout to my friends who i would NOT have made it through this year without. tell your friends you love them 💕💕💕

if I was in that little monkey's position I would simply crack a funny joke to diffuse the situation

ok but think about how satisfying it must be to throw an actual spanner in the actual works

everyone at the superbowl party enjoyed the hell out of my 3.11 billion layered dip

if I'm making a dip I'm telling people there are at LEAST three more layers than I actually put in that mf

Still hits

If I was in an icarus situation I would simply fly just a smidge farther away from the sun. Other than that, no changes to the plan

even ignoring the question of where the mice get their eggs, I think a carrot and celery flan is crazy work

In case anyone wants to fuck around and act like I don't have the high score on Grand Piano Keys at the Atlantic Ave Dave & Busters

they were out of stickers at my voting location so I made them get my ballot back out of the machine and tear it up

thanks. see you back here in two months for another absolute banger

the long walk... the running man... get a car you morons!!!!

I think about this every time I have a string cheese (3-7 times per day)

inventing a gun that loads these string cheese ammo belts and fires 850 rounds per minute

@mossbinch me to myself literally every time I post on this god forsaken app:

what's crazy is if you asked me how to fix the schools I'd say turn them off and turn them back on but we tried that and it went really really bad

sometimes the deli guy calls me boss, sometimes I call him boss... the chain of command in this org makes no sense

@CLAUDIAPOSTING no it was good I'm just mad I didn't blur faces on my biggest tweet ever

@Dan_Hamilton nothing is my fault ever actually

@CLAUDIAPOSTING ok the claudia interaction engagement bump goes crazy

@Dan_Hamilton dan you need to address those likes

@CLAUDIAPOSTING either that or I never click yes because I get nervous

@CLAUDIAPOSTING 1 a month and I never click no because I feel bad