Dilf Devourer

My new boyfriend

Every now and again I remember how I was kicked out of a pub for bringing my own wine, but not for being 15

Sometimes I wish I could talk to 16 year old me and tell her how much life is worth living. For anyone reading this, life genuinely does get better even if it doesn't seem like it at first

The lesbians still think I'm hot

Kind of miss the boobs I had when I was fatter

Last year was good, but this year? Even better. (Besides the dentist)

@StarPredator Fell off a chair head first into an oven and smashed the door

Every now and again I remember that there is a specific group of people that only know me as the girl who smashed her head into the oven

Some people just have WAY too much free time

All of the Shrek movies have such incredible soundtracks

Asda I fuck with you

@moxicles Ok so we gotta make at least 500

@DevourerDilf me because I plan to eat 300

Realistically, who is going to stop me from eating 200 pigs in blankets

I have decided to be a monk that lives on a mountain facing mt fuji

"all abusers should die" and then when an abuser die yall are like noooo why are you bringing up the fact that he's an abuser

Crazy how now that I'm not depressed anymore I don't feel a need to tweet

Working in hospitality should not allow old people to scream at you for easily fixable mistakes

Do I bleach my eyebrows again

The voices be like

How is a 50+ year old man gonna scream at all 3 members of staff because we asked him to repeat his order (which he mumbled)

When will a fluffy orange cat turn up on my doorstep