F. Scott Fitz Jesse (Johnny Utah edition)

I have my whole life ahead of me. Except for that huge chunk that is behind me and that I can never get back no matter what.

Sunday - Time to go into the woods and invent new ways to be human.

@Be_like_calvin2 This is so funny to me.

High as fuck reading the dictionary can't wait for our next argument bitch.

Had a brilliant thought for exactly 1.7 seconds. May she rest in peace.

I think a dark stormy day at an abandoned amusement park might fix me

Smart people be like, your other left

She said “I would never hurry you.” I was thinking, “If you don’t, I’m sure I’ll find a way to do it myself.”

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

To catch a bus you have to think like a bus

If you’re going to leave twitter, you have to go back to writing in a journal.

Nothing went from uncool to too cool for its own good faster than the Bass Pro Shop hat.

for whom the onion rings

@phased_bemused @1999_jab 😀

Sorry love I can't come over tonight I've

Wrong number texted me and I could not help myself 😭

Unlock my full potential? Sounds dangerous.

@awkwardgoogle @white7rabbit7 We need these in a Tremors film.

This is a Bdelloid Rotifer, an aquatic microorganism with a chainsaw-like mouth. 🤯

I’m too sincere for this world. Just kidding, I’m totally full of shit.

She’s almost never on time so…mark that in the “compatible” column.

We could really mess each other up if we wanted to.