Kevin Knightly

Being drunk and Irish isn’t “fun” it’s literally a disease.

I have United Healthcare. Is this like one of those situations where if your roommate dies you get all A’s?

Stop sharing needles. (having vinyl record parties)

Excuse me it’s called BLACK Friday… why are you as a white person smiling because BLACK ops 6 is awesome?

You said you don’t know how to handle a bad trip? Grow up.

I’m just grateful that every woman that’s ever hurt me is probably having a bad day.

A haunted house except it’s just your parent’s house and you’re in your 30’s and you live there.

An alternate universe where Freddie Mercury and Flash Gordon are still alive. Flash endorses Trump causing a rift in their relationship. An intense custody battle over the song “Flash” ensues.

No dude, I don’t have THAT kind of charger. Leave me the fk alone.

King Richard and the Jizzy Blizzard

Sex in a car? You mean the place where I eat all my meals!?

I love going to Planet Fitness* *sitting at every machine staring at my phone for 20 minutes

People you bone on weeknights don’t count.

Anaconda (1997): is the bad guy on the same team as the snake?

every once in a while i add a couple of my own hand picked additions to the to the mini bar located in the hotel room.

Being a skinny man passed age 30 is a red flag for DRUGS 🚩

Anyone that snitched in high school shouldn’t be allowed in dispensaries.

Life is like a box of condoms. I’ve never bought one.

Jacking it while 🤝 Stealing while on on cocaine Xanax