(This part is superfluous)

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub- Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Very funny guys who put this coffee on the ceiling?

Oh but when it’s somebody else’s panic attack suddenly I’m Matthew Mcconaughey

My husband bringing me coffee in bed: “PSL for your DSL, m’lady…”

You ever so middle aged that you forget to shower in the shower?

Thing about me is, if you f wit me, ima CC all pertinent parties to this reply until you get right

Me: Oh my angel, I loved having you in my belly… 5: *dead eyes* That was a long time ago.

6yo: Mom, can you stop sleeping? You look like you’re dead.

Who decided the gas pump tv should turn on right when you start fueling, that seems like a terrible time to startle someone

Trying to buy my mom a souvenir in Greece and she is being difficult.

Scientists theorize that the sub-atomic particles in our bodies are as old as the universe. I think my knee particles are older.

Husband: you should get out more Me: *goes shopping* Husband: not like that

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing me I could just “go take five minutes - I’ll watch the kids.” My husband. The devil is my husband.

aspartame will not give me cancer because diet coke can sense I'm pure of heart

Polar vortex? Arctic blast? Someone at the NWS was formerly in beverage marketing.

If you have one good toilet in the house make it the one in the half-bath

italian lesson: goon is short for gabagoon

@RodLacroix Rod you don’t understand. You think you got what it takes to be the official Hotdogger? That’s the actual title. Qualifications include a love of hot dog puns. And competition is fierce, with less than 1% of applicants selected on average. Good luck to you on your noble quest.

Looks like my retirement just planned itself.