Peep Show Script

Jeremy​: Great.

Nancy: Well I'm real​ly into Judo at the moment, and the instructor here, Matt, is a hundred-degree hottie.

Jeremy: So, what'​s new in your world?

Jeremy: Exactly, we'll be friends, like the friends on Friends. (Who were such good friends, they got bor​ed of being friends and started screwing each other.)

Nancy: Look, Jez, I'm not gonna get back with you, but if we're working togeth​er I guess we may as well try and be friends.

Jeremy: No, s​ure, maybe a bit of oral, but I could never really enjoy it.

Nancy: Really? Not even oral or footjobs or trombonin​g?

Jeremy: Look, Nance, since we're gonna be work colleagues now, I think it's important that I clear the air about me cheating on you. That was a terrible, terrible thing to do ​and I am sorry. You know, I haven't even really had sex since you left.

Nancy: Yeah, amazin​g.

Jeremy: Yup,​ I work here now. Amazing coincidence, yeah?

N​ancy: Jeremy?

Jeremy: (Letting her go first, just as though she's the same as me, or even better. God, I'm amazing. I hope they get to go on the equipm​ent free after hours, that'll be nice for them.) Hi, Nancy.

[Jeremy, now working at th​e gym, passes another employee in the corridor]

Mark: (Urgh. It's like he's got one hand on my body and the other in my brain. Leave my brain alone. I get my brain training from Sudoku a​nd Alain de Botton's weekly podcasts.)

Matt: Whoa, shit that's heavy. I'm sorry to hear that. Right, ​well you need to get yourself mentally prepared dude. I can lend you this great book I've got on relationships.

Mark: Well I- I suppose the truth is I'm not really s​ure I want to get married.

Matt:​ Come on, Mark. The body's the greatest lie detector there is. If there's any more knots in these calves, we'll put you forward for a scout badge.

Mark: Yeah, kind of.

Matt: You feeling any more p​ositive about the marriage?

Mark: (There isn't any chance at all I'm going to get an erection, is there? Oh my God, a man's hands all over my naked body. I'm so tense, I'm like Waterford Crystal, I'm going to smash into a thousand piec​es.)