Vicious Baking Tips

Wanna make something fast to take to a holiday party? Craft the story of how you failed despite going to a good college! Or cracker candy

"flaky layers" is something that happens when you put a lot of butter into your pastry not how you explain away your young actor fuckpiece

Want to bring something sweet to a holiday gathering? You could have brought your baby, if you'd had one. Anyway, bring booze

Try giving dough a little extra rising time for an airy loaf. That is, if you haven't eaten the raw dough while sobbing nude on the floor

Try a savory tart at your next gathering! Your guests will still notice your horrifying dandruff, but at least they'll have something to eat

Chocolate peppermint sandwich cookies are a nice holiday surprise, and a great way to temporarily divert attention from your adult acne.

Having trouble getting your pizza dough to rise? Have the same trouble with dicks? Think about it.

Looking for a gift that the baker in your life will truly love? How about leaving town and never calling them again?

Want to know the secret to effortless cheesecakes? Here's the real secret: Everyone wants you to shut the fuck up.

Serve coffee with your dessert at Thanksgiving! Your tired guests have worked hard pretending to care about your boring-ass conversation

It's important not to roll your pie crust too thin. That's probably difficult for someone of your massive weight. Have a normal person do it

Yes, you CAN bake moist cakes with applesauce instead of oil! It won't stop your husband from continuing to sleep with prostitutes, though.

Making pizza dough? Don't forget to add interest with some dried herbs. Also don't forget: you're completely unlovable, you desperate whore.

Looking for a way to say "I love you?" Try spiced shortbread! Or try getting up off your doughy ass and looking for a job for once.

Don't get confused with baking terms! "Leavening" causes the rising process. "Leaving" is what your spouse did when he smartened the fuck up

Everyone knows that raised yeast rolls make a table seem homey and inviting. But do you know how to use deodorant? Doesn't smell like it.

Looking to impress the in-laws this season? Try a home-baked, rustic panettone. Your family's still trash, though.

Nothing beats the taste of fresh grated nutmeg. Except maybe the feeling of true love, which you'll never know. Not with that fat ass.

Looking for a brownie recipe that will make your mother stop saying your conception was an "accident?" It doesn't exist.

Planning to bake a vegan treat to take to a holiday party? Who are you kidding? Nobody invited you to any parties, you diseased hippie.