Matt Jenkins

Jeff Bezos is going to space today. If any Amazon workers have to use the bathroom, now’s the time.

Thibs going to the bench!

Starting to question the motives of the #UnitedHealthcare CEO killer. Attended a 40k a year HS, valedictorian and graduated from an Ivy League school. Now I just think he wanted the job.

Maybe if McDonald’s paid their employees more they wouldn’t need UnitedHealthcare CEO murderer reward money.

Groceries are so expensive, I’ve been taking ozempic to save money.

I bet whoever first said, “When one door closes, another one opens.” wasn’t trying to be encouraging, they were trying to explain their house was haunted.

You can buy a $20k home on Amazon and they’ll ship it right to you. Which sounds great until a porch pirate steals it. That’s an awkward call to make to the police. Like, “I want to report my house was stolen.” “You mean broken into?” “I’ll have to see if the box was opened.”

People keep saying that Ron and Nicole can finally rest in peace, but that depends on where O.J. is headed.

Don’t be so quick to blame cancer. First read, If I did it: Confessions of a disease

Saw an interview where a Navy Seal said that if you lie on your back with your feet propped up at a 45 degree angle for about 8 minutes it’s the equivalent of taking a 2 hr nap. It totally works too. I tried it earlier and got in the best 2 hr and 8 min nap.

I think Paint & Sips should be combined with axe throwing. That way if you don’t like how your painting turned out, at least you get to throw an axe through it. If someone gets drunk and annoying, throw an axe at them too. Then paint the crime scene.

I’ve been learning to cook. A lot of people say that cooking can be a very relaxing and therapeutic process. But what they don’t tell you is, once you taste your food, all that can change. Now cooking was just a stressful 4 hour detour to ordering Thai food.

Diddy to his lawyers. #Diddy

Got outed at a restaurant. Been keeping my iPhone 6 a secret for years until I had to scan a QR code to see the menu.

Used Instacart for the first time. It’s an incredible service. You submit your grocery list, then after a couple hours your shopper drops off none of the food you ordered. I had zucchini on my list and ended up with green bananas.

I knew my Uber driver was struggling when I gave him my Airbnb address and he said, “Oh, that’s my apartment! Before I drop you off, are you hungry? I do DoorDash too.”

Checking to see if Epstein’s list has any overlap with Katt Williams’.

What it’s like watching a Chess streamer.. “I can’t believe I just lost my Queen. I wasn’t thinking! Why did I move her there?! Oh hey, how’s it going HairyBallz44? Thank you for subscribing! Ugh, such a stupid move!”

Sure, battle rap can be mean but underground battle art would be brutal. Two artists are on stage painting. One of them finishes, turns their canvas to the crowd and everyone starts booing. Some guy yells out, “Your impressionist landscape art is trash!”

When I'm at a restaurant I never look at the name of the dish, I just look to see if I can afford it. I’m like, "Yes. I'll have the $6.95.”

It would be nice if the ghost that haunted your house was a maid. You'd wake up at night like, “Great! The dishes were washed again!”